The least resistant path is what we often choose...and I am guilty of this as the next person...no high horse here LOL...but often this choice is to our detriment. Not always...but often...we find the path of least resistance...a one way street to something we didn't want...only we didn't know we didn't want it until it was too late...
I have so many experiences in my life that...with hindsight...I look back on and see clearly that I chose to go against my gut...against instinct...and paid a price for it...big or small...
I would think that after a time or two...I would learn to do the right thing....that being...listen to my gut...my instinct...because it does serve me well...and I am often right...but I also...often....don't listen.
I don't know if that instinct is God talking at me or if it is something else...all I do know...is that when I don't follow it...listen to it...I regret it...9 times outta 10.
So why is this such a hard concept to follow and do? If I have a gut feeling about something...why don't I just follow that instinct? It is very much like I don't trust myself. Me says...hmm....
I know all about building trust with others. I teach it and preach it...how to and when to and when not to...learning to trust ones self...though...this is more difficult...and I find...sometimes...I am too close to the situation to see things clearly.
Maybe it is because of all those past mistakes that I am hesitant...looking back on past failures to gauge my ability currently. This seems very inefficient to me and just simply...stupid. I mean....wouldn't it be better to look at past successes and accomplishments to judge myself against? Wouldn't it be more prudent to focus on those strengths and fix my gaze on what is right with what I have done? Wouldn't it be more efficient to concentrate on the step in front of me rather than on constantly going back to my past? I personally think the answer to all 3 questions is a resounding YES!
That is not to say that you should never look at past failures because one can learn from them, to know one's weaknesses so as to create a balance and a path of personal growth, or to examine our history in our lives as we go along our path to better keep the context of our lives in focus as well as the moment...these things are all important...but...success and failure are both teachable moments, opportunities for growth, and a chance to change something in us that is inadequate, dull, or otherwise lacking.
So I assert both perspectives are important...however...which is more important to our growth and further healthy development? In other words, what is more important to focus on? Are we to focus on the past, future, or remain in the present? Is the past a self-indulgent theme and pushes us to overcompensate? Is our future a rich tapestry of possibilities, none of which are real until we actually arrive at that moment? Is our present moment the only thing that truly matters because all that we are and all that we will ever truly be...is...in a moment of time?
As I watch my 4 year old daughter Sarah sleeping this afternoon on our couch...feeling hot with a fever from the flu and recovering from the beginnings of a pneumonia found day before yesterday...and looking like an angel...with Hawaiian music softly playing on the stereo...lulling her into sweet dreams of big mountains, soft breezes, and warm blue and turquoise waters teaming with life...native to all the world and filled with laughter and joy...I have my answer.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Listen first
I am a firm believer in only making threats that are fully intended on being kept. In other words if you are a person that could not use a weapon against another...even if you carried one...then you should never carry one.
If you are someone that is unsure if you could use a weapon against someone else...but you carry one anyway...you would have to make that decision in a split second as to whether or not it is actually possible for you...which is an unwise position to put oneself in.
If you are someone that is quite sure...given the circumstances...that this is very real and possible for you to do...then this is a reality for you and you have decided it to be so.
I believe that you should never pull a weapon on someone unless you fully intend on using it...or at least are ready to if need be.
It is interesting to me how people often do not consider consequences in their lives when it comes to their words and behaviors. Many times people will put themselves out there and at risk...in ways that they may not even realize that they are doing. Sometimes they put others at risk by their words and behaviors without understanding the risks involved.
Example...A child is told multiple times to stop a behavior in the home...they don't...and the result is they "accidentally" break something. Because of mom or dad's repeated warnings their reaction to the crash is emotional and swift. Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?
That last question is a statement as well as a question. The kid is saying to themselves....wrong with me? I didn't know anything was wrong with me....something must be wrong with me.
Did mom or dad mean to screw with their child's self esteem and self-definition? Of course not...but could they have anyway? Absolutely they could have.
Another example...husband and wife are not getting along and are arguing. Emotions escalate, both are emotionally reactive, and one threatens to leave or to divorce. Is the threat real or is it just a threat? Does it matter?
Yes...it matters a great deal. Again...I am a firm believer in not using threats unless they are a direct and firmly clear warning of an action....nothing less. So threatening to leave or divorce...as some misguided way of scaring or manipulating is just plain careless and really...not very smart. I do not believe it would get one what they really want.
Throwing those words out there should ONLY come if it is a firm fact and it is your intention to actually go through with it...otherwise you are being mean, vindictive, and manipulating. One other thing about this "threat" is it becomes meaningless if it is used uselessly so the partner would not know if it were real or just another manipulation. This is not something that a true "partner" would do.
If threatening people were a healthy thing to do there would be healthy positive consequences that would come from it. Most of the time however...threats are often a way to manipulate, bully, and basically be mean to people.
I personally think that the healthy thing to do in situations where I want to express something and I am emotional in the moment...is to make an informational comment that is not slanted in a threatening manner and then excuse myself until I am calm and rational. I have not always been in this space...there was a time in my life when I was less mature about these situations...but nowadays...I make a real effort to keep my emotional reactions in check so that I can think my way through moments where my emotions rule. It isn't easy...and no one is perfect...but I believe if a person is putting in the effort...then anything can be accomplished.
Maybe the key is to focus on what is healthy instead of being right. I mean we can all fight to the death to try to get someone else to see how right we are and how valuable our opinion and our point is....but it only makes the other person defensive and angry...and they won't listen to us or find what we are saying valuable....so what is the point really?
If you want to be heard...cramming your point down someone else's throat is a sure way to not getting listened to...it's pretty much a guarantee. If you want to be heard...then I would suggest you try to hear the other person first...it usually goes much better that way. It took me until the last several years until I learned this...but in my experience listening first is the better route to go.
If you are someone that is unsure if you could use a weapon against someone else...but you carry one anyway...you would have to make that decision in a split second as to whether or not it is actually possible for you...which is an unwise position to put oneself in.
If you are someone that is quite sure...given the circumstances...that this is very real and possible for you to do...then this is a reality for you and you have decided it to be so.
I believe that you should never pull a weapon on someone unless you fully intend on using it...or at least are ready to if need be.
It is interesting to me how people often do not consider consequences in their lives when it comes to their words and behaviors. Many times people will put themselves out there and at risk...in ways that they may not even realize that they are doing. Sometimes they put others at risk by their words and behaviors without understanding the risks involved.
Example...A child is told multiple times to stop a behavior in the home...they don't...and the result is they "accidentally" break something. Because of mom or dad's repeated warnings their reaction to the crash is emotional and swift. Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?
That last question is a statement as well as a question. The kid is saying to themselves....wrong with me? I didn't know anything was wrong with me....something must be wrong with me.
Did mom or dad mean to screw with their child's self esteem and self-definition? Of course not...but could they have anyway? Absolutely they could have.
Another example...husband and wife are not getting along and are arguing. Emotions escalate, both are emotionally reactive, and one threatens to leave or to divorce. Is the threat real or is it just a threat? Does it matter?
Yes...it matters a great deal. Again...I am a firm believer in not using threats unless they are a direct and firmly clear warning of an action....nothing less. So threatening to leave or divorce...as some misguided way of scaring or manipulating is just plain careless and really...not very smart. I do not believe it would get one what they really want.
Throwing those words out there should ONLY come if it is a firm fact and it is your intention to actually go through with it...otherwise you are being mean, vindictive, and manipulating. One other thing about this "threat" is it becomes meaningless if it is used uselessly so the partner would not know if it were real or just another manipulation. This is not something that a true "partner" would do.
If threatening people were a healthy thing to do there would be healthy positive consequences that would come from it. Most of the time however...threats are often a way to manipulate, bully, and basically be mean to people.
I personally think that the healthy thing to do in situations where I want to express something and I am emotional in the moment...is to make an informational comment that is not slanted in a threatening manner and then excuse myself until I am calm and rational. I have not always been in this space...there was a time in my life when I was less mature about these situations...but nowadays...I make a real effort to keep my emotional reactions in check so that I can think my way through moments where my emotions rule. It isn't easy...and no one is perfect...but I believe if a person is putting in the effort...then anything can be accomplished.
Maybe the key is to focus on what is healthy instead of being right. I mean we can all fight to the death to try to get someone else to see how right we are and how valuable our opinion and our point is....but it only makes the other person defensive and angry...and they won't listen to us or find what we are saying valuable....so what is the point really?
If you want to be heard...cramming your point down someone else's throat is a sure way to not getting listened to...it's pretty much a guarantee. If you want to be heard...then I would suggest you try to hear the other person first...it usually goes much better that way. It took me until the last several years until I learned this...but in my experience listening first is the better route to go.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Modern Day...
I've found the world of blogging to be fun and interesting...playful and compelling...seriously opinionated and ultimately a healthy way to interact and express with the world...even if not completely intimately...at least...it is honestly...and for me...and for those I enjoy reading the most...it is release...and a way to share yourself.
What I think I find the most interesting is the disconnect. It is a virtual world surrounded by long distance relationships and people that we are connected to...but at the same time disconnected with...and by being physically disconnected...there is an intimacy about it that previously was only known by letter writing...which was mutually time consuming and exciting. The time spent waiting for that letter...that response...was invigorating and aggravating...suspense laden...and thrilling. There was an essence of that wait that we have obviously lost...and I am not wholeheartedly happy about that loss...a piece of me feels less for the absence of that wait. I am not saying I regret having Email, instant messaging, and the Internet...but I am saying, as I have said before, everything has a cost...and sometimes that cost is difficult to register until one steps back and looks at the big picture.
So there is a physical disconnect in our communication as well as a bridge to bring us back together. I sit here writing this blog and thinking about this disconnect...and the bridge that leads me back to you reading this...and considering the possibility that even though we have lost that wait...and that anticipation for that letter or telegraph...that the gains somehow improve our lives more than the loss of the wait.
News...now...is immediate. Realism is king and seeing what is going on around the world is currently possible. We have now watched war being waged in real time...multiple times. Recently the president mentioned the arrest of a prominent figure (Henry Louis Gates) of a major university (Harvard) trying to get into his own house through his own front door after returning from vacation...and arrested on his own porch...for getting upset because the police were giving him a hard time...about getting into his own house. I don't know what the man said...or exactly how he acted...towards the police officers...but it does make sense to me that it would piss the guy off...if I put myself in his place...it would be upsetting to me as well. Of course this is even putting the race issue at the side. But in the insanity of the blitz of information and the speed that it flows I see something healthy, as well as something very unhealthy mixing in with this.
Communication is our greatest tool and with the weight of the responsibility that it bears we need to ensure and use our freedom of speech tempered with the accountability of our message. But because we write this and then hit a button and fire it off...there is very little rumination of information. So we need to be careful of looking at what we produce and keeping it worthy of our time...and the time of others. Scrutinize what you put out there and we will all feel better about it...and I will try to do the same.
All in all I guess the ability to get a thought out there instantly is a good thing...as long as there is responsibility that comes along with it.
What I think I find the most interesting is the disconnect. It is a virtual world surrounded by long distance relationships and people that we are connected to...but at the same time disconnected with...and by being physically disconnected...there is an intimacy about it that previously was only known by letter writing...which was mutually time consuming and exciting. The time spent waiting for that letter...that response...was invigorating and aggravating...suspense laden...and thrilling. There was an essence of that wait that we have obviously lost...and I am not wholeheartedly happy about that loss...a piece of me feels less for the absence of that wait. I am not saying I regret having Email, instant messaging, and the Internet...but I am saying, as I have said before, everything has a cost...and sometimes that cost is difficult to register until one steps back and looks at the big picture.
So there is a physical disconnect in our communication as well as a bridge to bring us back together. I sit here writing this blog and thinking about this disconnect...and the bridge that leads me back to you reading this...and considering the possibility that even though we have lost that wait...and that anticipation for that letter or telegraph...that the gains somehow improve our lives more than the loss of the wait.
News...now...is immediate. Realism is king and seeing what is going on around the world is currently possible. We have now watched war being waged in real time...multiple times. Recently the president mentioned the arrest of a prominent figure (Henry Louis Gates) of a major university (Harvard) trying to get into his own house through his own front door after returning from vacation...and arrested on his own porch...for getting upset because the police were giving him a hard time...about getting into his own house. I don't know what the man said...or exactly how he acted...towards the police officers...but it does make sense to me that it would piss the guy off...if I put myself in his place...it would be upsetting to me as well. Of course this is even putting the race issue at the side. But in the insanity of the blitz of information and the speed that it flows I see something healthy, as well as something very unhealthy mixing in with this.
Communication is our greatest tool and with the weight of the responsibility that it bears we need to ensure and use our freedom of speech tempered with the accountability of our message. But because we write this and then hit a button and fire it off...there is very little rumination of information. So we need to be careful of looking at what we produce and keeping it worthy of our time...and the time of others. Scrutinize what you put out there and we will all feel better about it...and I will try to do the same.
All in all I guess the ability to get a thought out there instantly is a good thing...as long as there is responsibility that comes along with it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Bittersweet
In the last several months...I have continually been reminded how fragile our lives are and how close to the brink of serious disaster at worst...and serious change...at best...we all are...at every given moment.
I guess this kind of started with the Sandra Cantu disappearance and murder last March...the little 8 year old girl in Tracy California who was abducted, molested, murdered, and stuffed into a suitcase and left in an agricultural drainage ditch where she was found by farm workers...the accused murderer is a female Sunday school teacher.
After having no traffic tickets in like 20 years or whatever I get two in one week...and a couple weeks after that go to the court house to pay my fines and hit this insane media frenzy surrounding the Cantu case and then actually watch the Cantu family enter the courthouse close up and personal. I wrote about it in my other blog here if you'd like to read that...
http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2009/04/surreal.html
So that is where I begin in this because it was surreal to me and actually had a fairly large and negative impact on me. I got...for just a few short moments directly...and overall maybe an hour total indirectly...very close to the flame and I felt the heat...of our press and the limelight of horrific and negative change...
That family...just weeks before that day...had no idea that this would be their life. A horrible act and event happened...and it acts as a pivot...and their lives go in a completely and wholly different direction.
Sometimes...this happens and the pivot is not horrible or evil. Sometimes...as when we start a new job or finish our education or start a business...maybe even win the lottery...whew wouldn't that be cool?!?....we have a pivotal moment and our lives are never again the same but it is a good thing.
Some times...and I dare say more often...the pivot is bittersweet. There is good and bad mixed in to the event and/or outcome of the event which we deal with. But our lives are changed just the same.
I am dealing with such pivotal change in my life currently and it is bittersweet. My daughter Harmony...was married yesterday and she spent her last night in her room under our roof...night before last. She said goodbye last night. Now...this is a cause of celebration and my wife and I are both very happy for her...it's an awesome thing...but it is hard for us to see her go...bittersweet...and Sarah...our 3 year old daughter is missing her sissy...even though she now has her own room all to herself...but she is by herself now too.
My son...is having Dr's at Stanford talk to him about a double lung transplant...within the next few months...and that means it could extend his life between 5-10 years and most of that first 5 years would be with a much different quality of life for him...no more treatments and oxygen tanks...and likely no hospital stays...unless he gets sick...in which case a common cold could kill him...because he will be on 25 medications that are trying to keep his body from rejecting the organs but also completely decimating his immune system. He says that he wants to climb Half-Dome in Yosemite and if he gets through the surgery and gets through the first year of healing....he could do that.
Bittersweet
Change is one of the few constants that we have and can count on. Sometimes...the change is wonderful...and sometimes it is horrible...but more often...as with so much in life...the reality is somewhere in the middle. So to me...it seems that the subject returns to creating a balance. When something is bittersweet there is quite a bit to be able to take from it and learn...which is one of the best parts...but there is a cost to it as well. All things have a cost...even those things that give the appearance as being free...all things have a cost.
I think that the cost of a thing sometimes...oftentimes...holds more meaning than we may realize at the time...and often we pay a cost without having thought out what that cost will entail and thereby sometimes...leaving us unprepared for paying that cost. But pay we must...for in all things there is a balance.
For me...the issue becomes one of awareness and preparation...but it is almost impossible to prepare one's self...to prepare for some things...so even in this it is difficult. But to try to be prepared for it and to try to be ready...which I often fail miserably at...I still try though...but the purpose is in the effort and not necessarily in the outcome...or said another way...it is the journey and not the destination...that is important and the point.
But even in this...it is bittersweet...
I guess this kind of started with the Sandra Cantu disappearance and murder last March...the little 8 year old girl in Tracy California who was abducted, molested, murdered, and stuffed into a suitcase and left in an agricultural drainage ditch where she was found by farm workers...the accused murderer is a female Sunday school teacher.
After having no traffic tickets in like 20 years or whatever I get two in one week...and a couple weeks after that go to the court house to pay my fines and hit this insane media frenzy surrounding the Cantu case and then actually watch the Cantu family enter the courthouse close up and personal. I wrote about it in my other blog here if you'd like to read that...
http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2009/04/surreal.html
So that is where I begin in this because it was surreal to me and actually had a fairly large and negative impact on me. I got...for just a few short moments directly...and overall maybe an hour total indirectly...very close to the flame and I felt the heat...of our press and the limelight of horrific and negative change...
That family...just weeks before that day...had no idea that this would be their life. A horrible act and event happened...and it acts as a pivot...and their lives go in a completely and wholly different direction.
Sometimes...this happens and the pivot is not horrible or evil. Sometimes...as when we start a new job or finish our education or start a business...maybe even win the lottery...whew wouldn't that be cool?!?....we have a pivotal moment and our lives are never again the same but it is a good thing.
Some times...and I dare say more often...the pivot is bittersweet. There is good and bad mixed in to the event and/or outcome of the event which we deal with. But our lives are changed just the same.
I am dealing with such pivotal change in my life currently and it is bittersweet. My daughter Harmony...was married yesterday and she spent her last night in her room under our roof...night before last. She said goodbye last night. Now...this is a cause of celebration and my wife and I are both very happy for her...it's an awesome thing...but it is hard for us to see her go...bittersweet...and Sarah...our 3 year old daughter is missing her sissy...even though she now has her own room all to herself...but she is by herself now too.
My son...is having Dr's at Stanford talk to him about a double lung transplant...within the next few months...and that means it could extend his life between 5-10 years and most of that first 5 years would be with a much different quality of life for him...no more treatments and oxygen tanks...and likely no hospital stays...unless he gets sick...in which case a common cold could kill him...because he will be on 25 medications that are trying to keep his body from rejecting the organs but also completely decimating his immune system. He says that he wants to climb Half-Dome in Yosemite and if he gets through the surgery and gets through the first year of healing....he could do that.
Bittersweet
Change is one of the few constants that we have and can count on. Sometimes...the change is wonderful...and sometimes it is horrible...but more often...as with so much in life...the reality is somewhere in the middle. So to me...it seems that the subject returns to creating a balance. When something is bittersweet there is quite a bit to be able to take from it and learn...which is one of the best parts...but there is a cost to it as well. All things have a cost...even those things that give the appearance as being free...all things have a cost.
I think that the cost of a thing sometimes...oftentimes...holds more meaning than we may realize at the time...and often we pay a cost without having thought out what that cost will entail and thereby sometimes...leaving us unprepared for paying that cost. But pay we must...for in all things there is a balance.
For me...the issue becomes one of awareness and preparation...but it is almost impossible to prepare one's self...to prepare for some things...so even in this it is difficult. But to try to be prepared for it and to try to be ready...which I often fail miserably at...I still try though...but the purpose is in the effort and not necessarily in the outcome...or said another way...it is the journey and not the destination...that is important and the point.
But even in this...it is bittersweet...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Moments in the meantime...
Moments in the meantime...
Have you ever noticed how living your life keeps getting caught up in the minutia of the moments...and how even when you are totally into a thing...life is going on around you and your focus...while needed and desired in that moment...seems trivial and incomplete when you step back and take a look at that moment with some fresh eyes and a different perspective?
I listened to someone speak today about their experience...and as they were processing their feelings and the aftermath of their moment...I found myself comparing...measuring...relating...and trying to solve a puzzle with them about their experience while at the same time trying to see how I fit into the same issues and conversation...how would I be if compared by the same measurement and how would I feel if facing the same circumstances? Would I have done the same as this individual given the same circumstances or would I have made a different choice...and if so...why? Along with why...how would that have impacted me differently?
I saw a piece of what this event did to or for them...I guess it depends on how one looks at it...their uncertainty...their questioning of themselves...the guilt...and worry. I understand the fear. I get how something like the mistake they apparently made...out of a very positive intention....but none the less a mistake...made them feel like they let others down and possibly put people and organizations in jeopardy. So what does it all mean?
It doesn't really mean anything. It can mean everything. Depending on how a person views it...it might be nothing or it could be everything and there is only one person that can make a difference like that. How do I view it and what does it mean to me? Well...what do I want it to mean to me? How does this make me look in others eyes? Will people see me the way I want them to or will they look at this as a reason to view me negatively? Could this actually underline what I already believe? Is this proof?
In the meantime...while all the questions...all the self-examination...all the doubt...life is carrying on....and these moments...travel on in the meantime. What does it all mean?
You decide...
Have you ever noticed how living your life keeps getting caught up in the minutia of the moments...and how even when you are totally into a thing...life is going on around you and your focus...while needed and desired in that moment...seems trivial and incomplete when you step back and take a look at that moment with some fresh eyes and a different perspective?
I listened to someone speak today about their experience...and as they were processing their feelings and the aftermath of their moment...I found myself comparing...measuring...relating...and trying to solve a puzzle with them about their experience while at the same time trying to see how I fit into the same issues and conversation...how would I be if compared by the same measurement and how would I feel if facing the same circumstances? Would I have done the same as this individual given the same circumstances or would I have made a different choice...and if so...why? Along with why...how would that have impacted me differently?
I saw a piece of what this event did to or for them...I guess it depends on how one looks at it...their uncertainty...their questioning of themselves...the guilt...and worry. I understand the fear. I get how something like the mistake they apparently made...out of a very positive intention....but none the less a mistake...made them feel like they let others down and possibly put people and organizations in jeopardy. So what does it all mean?
It doesn't really mean anything. It can mean everything. Depending on how a person views it...it might be nothing or it could be everything and there is only one person that can make a difference like that. How do I view it and what does it mean to me? Well...what do I want it to mean to me? How does this make me look in others eyes? Will people see me the way I want them to or will they look at this as a reason to view me negatively? Could this actually underline what I already believe? Is this proof?
In the meantime...while all the questions...all the self-examination...all the doubt...life is carrying on....and these moments...travel on in the meantime. What does it all mean?
You decide...
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Truth...an interesting point.
So....this week...I really pissed someone off. I didn't exactly mean to...it's...at times...just the nature of what I do and the way I do it. See...in a way...I tell the truth to people for a living. I make great efforts to do this with understanding, empathy, diplomacy, and caring. Generally this is taken well by people even if it is not what someone wants to hear...and this is often the case. But most of the time, people in general, appreciate hearing a truth. It gives the opportunity for personal growth.
However, there are times where I feel I have to tell someone something that they need to hear...but yet they are just simply not ready for receiving the information. At times, such as this situation above, there is often an emotional reaction, emotional reactivity, and my role in the drama is being the instigator. I am not particularly excited with having to implement this role...but I can take it on when I need to. Confrontation isn't my natural state however I am more than comfortable with confrontation when the time calls for it. My experience has been that most people do not like confrontation...but when confronted with a truth...they are open to seeing a different path...at least to some degree. From there it is all just about planting seeds.
Now...I have used the term truth several times here...and have written about this in the past so I would invite the reader to check out another of my blogs from the past in dealing with truth.
http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/momentstruthand-being-in-now.html
This of course does not cover the subject and is incomplete so I will first and foremost freely make this admission. What is written in this past blog holds the core of what I am describing above, however it is quite incomplete.
A truth is as one sees it and is a matter of personal perception. With that said I will also say that there does exist some universal truth within the context of our individual lives as well as collectively, and while valid philosophical arguments can be made against this, the reality of perception connects most of us to a gathering of information and agreement.
A flame is hot. Ice is cold. The sun describes day. The moon describes night. Yes...it is our five senses that provide us with this information and can not therefore be fully trusted...so holding a burning ember in your bare hand for 5 minutes...take a nice 5 mile stroll walking in snow in January with bare feet...dipping your bare feet in boiling oil....hmm?...You don't want to? Could it possibly be that you know better? Fear getting injured? This would be a justified fear. That this would be a justified fear...is a truth. A truth because of the likelihood of the injury. While the argument of a philosopher is an interesting theoretical exercise...any rational person would doubt the mental stability of anyone actually trying these exercises. Truth.
These examples are simplistic and even juvenile yet they are examples of basic agreements that we have all come to hold as truths. Even the most cynical and ardent philosophers abide by these same evident truths in their daily existence while railing against the idea of such a thing intellectually and academically. The exercise of thought. The concept of time is just as universal. The proof is in the behaviors of the cynic. While fighting tooth and nail against the very idea of time being a truth to us collectively...the truth actually is...that academic is there at work at 8:00 AM to teach his/her class or he/she is not paying their mortgage that month. The argument is simply an exercise in intellectual thought...but not in practice. Not in behavior. Not real. But interesting nonetheless.
So truth...is quite an interesting concept...and yet I believe truth has shades of gray itself. Are there absolute truths? I personally believe that there is very little in our lives that is black and white. Most of life is a shade of gray. However I do believe that absolutes do exist...albeit in very short supply. But it isn't in the extremes that I want to linger. I think the more interesting conversation is in the battleground of the agreed upon truths. Those not out on the fringe but the more debatable, yet still strongly held opinions, which can lead to healthy debate and personal growth. One of these subjects, to me, is respect. I have written about this in the past. Again I invite the reader to this past blog.
http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/respect.html
My explanation of respect always includes self-respect...and it was in this conversation that I angered someone earlier this week. It is interesting to me that the same words can have such diverse affects on different people. With one person it caused a flash of anger and they burst from their seat and out of the room and building. They...were...done! LOL.
Another person cried, laughed, and asked for a hug. It is interesting that people are so individual in their growth, thoughts, and ideas...as well as reactions...to the same information. Does it make the information less true because one person could hear it and one person could not? I do not believe it changes the truth of the assertion...I do believe it speaks to an individual's ability to hear the truth or to accept a truth. But it doesn't necessarily make that truth less of a truth.
A common assertion regarding respect...is...I will respect you if you respect me first...but if you are gonna disrespect me...I am going to disrespect you back. This is very common and I have two names for this mentality.
The first is "the warrior's mentality". It is and has been the mentality of warriors...the people who war with each other...as in real war. This point of view was developed through survival and therefore is valid within the framework of violence. For as long as human beings have registered their history and I am sure beyond...this mentality has existed and in those areas prone to violence as a way of life, it will most likely and unfortunately continue to exist. It is protectionism and defense. Purely survival. While it is understandable how it came into existence...it is also understandable how useless it is when analyzing an individual's personal growth. This attitude suppresses an individual's ability to truly grow. It is about power and control. It is about physical strength...with no intellect, understanding, or empathy.
The second name is "a pen mentality". Pen as in penitentiary. This is the way that human beings treat each other in prison. This same population considers themselves as soldiers and so the core of this mentality is the same. That same mentality filters out into the street through thugs and gangs...billy bad asses and alcoholic individuals unable to get their life's struggles under control...immaturity and the sheep mentality when individual's do not value themselves more than simply fitting in with a crowd...as well as some of the mentally ill. There are more categories of course...I am simplifying for the purposes of this post...but there are more.
Suffice it to say...this is all without self-respect as I have described it in the above mentioned blog.
Respect is earned. But self-respect is earned and hard fought for as well. Someone who acts under the definitions above...who is living in our society and not in a hot...forward area...defending our country...does not and should not be living with a warrior's or a pen mentality. It is simply not necessary and more so it is harmful to the individual as well as our communities for each of us to allow ourselves to reduce ourselves to these poor ways of being in the world. It is absolutely a reduction as a human being to view our world like this because it justifies inhuman behavior. Behavior that is illegal, immoral, undignified, corrupt, and disrespectful.
It takes more guts...more bravery...more courage...to hold your personal integrity intact and retain your self-respect by not allowing yourself to be degraded and reducing your belief and behavior to actions brought on by these faulty belief systems. We should instead rise above petty immature and inane feuding and treat each other the way we should be treating each other...with dignity and respect. It takes more to be more. It does not take much to revel in degradation. This attitude and belief is shallow and unfulfilling. One will never be their full potential as a human being by embracing violence and pride. I guess it comes down to what one wants in their life...and if one does not care for ones self...one will hurt others...and thereby themselves...because they will be ignorant of being any better.
I do find it interesting that so many of us can be so truncated in our own ability to develop. Of course I am not above the warriors or pen mentality. I lived a good portion of my life from the same direction and therefore I am not speaking from some lofty perch. However...I learned to do better...and learned to live better...and learned to believe in a better way. Truth.
I guess part of things is just about maturity. For in my younger years when I was a scrapper and came from the same mentality...I saw, said, and did things that I would never do in the same way now. Truth.
Interesting how truth works...
Truth.
However, there are times where I feel I have to tell someone something that they need to hear...but yet they are just simply not ready for receiving the information. At times, such as this situation above, there is often an emotional reaction, emotional reactivity, and my role in the drama is being the instigator. I am not particularly excited with having to implement this role...but I can take it on when I need to. Confrontation isn't my natural state however I am more than comfortable with confrontation when the time calls for it. My experience has been that most people do not like confrontation...but when confronted with a truth...they are open to seeing a different path...at least to some degree. From there it is all just about planting seeds.
Now...I have used the term truth several times here...and have written about this in the past so I would invite the reader to check out another of my blogs from the past in dealing with truth.
http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/momentstruthand-being-in-now.html
This of course does not cover the subject and is incomplete so I will first and foremost freely make this admission. What is written in this past blog holds the core of what I am describing above, however it is quite incomplete.
A truth is as one sees it and is a matter of personal perception. With that said I will also say that there does exist some universal truth within the context of our individual lives as well as collectively, and while valid philosophical arguments can be made against this, the reality of perception connects most of us to a gathering of information and agreement.
A flame is hot. Ice is cold. The sun describes day. The moon describes night. Yes...it is our five senses that provide us with this information and can not therefore be fully trusted...so holding a burning ember in your bare hand for 5 minutes...take a nice 5 mile stroll walking in snow in January with bare feet...dipping your bare feet in boiling oil....hmm?...You don't want to? Could it possibly be that you know better? Fear getting injured? This would be a justified fear. That this would be a justified fear...is a truth. A truth because of the likelihood of the injury. While the argument of a philosopher is an interesting theoretical exercise...any rational person would doubt the mental stability of anyone actually trying these exercises. Truth.
These examples are simplistic and even juvenile yet they are examples of basic agreements that we have all come to hold as truths. Even the most cynical and ardent philosophers abide by these same evident truths in their daily existence while railing against the idea of such a thing intellectually and academically. The exercise of thought. The concept of time is just as universal. The proof is in the behaviors of the cynic. While fighting tooth and nail against the very idea of time being a truth to us collectively...the truth actually is...that academic is there at work at 8:00 AM to teach his/her class or he/she is not paying their mortgage that month. The argument is simply an exercise in intellectual thought...but not in practice. Not in behavior. Not real. But interesting nonetheless.
So truth...is quite an interesting concept...and yet I believe truth has shades of gray itself. Are there absolute truths? I personally believe that there is very little in our lives that is black and white. Most of life is a shade of gray. However I do believe that absolutes do exist...albeit in very short supply. But it isn't in the extremes that I want to linger. I think the more interesting conversation is in the battleground of the agreed upon truths. Those not out on the fringe but the more debatable, yet still strongly held opinions, which can lead to healthy debate and personal growth. One of these subjects, to me, is respect. I have written about this in the past. Again I invite the reader to this past blog.
http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/respect.html
My explanation of respect always includes self-respect...and it was in this conversation that I angered someone earlier this week. It is interesting to me that the same words can have such diverse affects on different people. With one person it caused a flash of anger and they burst from their seat and out of the room and building. They...were...done! LOL.
Another person cried, laughed, and asked for a hug. It is interesting that people are so individual in their growth, thoughts, and ideas...as well as reactions...to the same information. Does it make the information less true because one person could hear it and one person could not? I do not believe it changes the truth of the assertion...I do believe it speaks to an individual's ability to hear the truth or to accept a truth. But it doesn't necessarily make that truth less of a truth.
A common assertion regarding respect...is...I will respect you if you respect me first...but if you are gonna disrespect me...I am going to disrespect you back. This is very common and I have two names for this mentality.
The first is "the warrior's mentality". It is and has been the mentality of warriors...the people who war with each other...as in real war. This point of view was developed through survival and therefore is valid within the framework of violence. For as long as human beings have registered their history and I am sure beyond...this mentality has existed and in those areas prone to violence as a way of life, it will most likely and unfortunately continue to exist. It is protectionism and defense. Purely survival. While it is understandable how it came into existence...it is also understandable how useless it is when analyzing an individual's personal growth. This attitude suppresses an individual's ability to truly grow. It is about power and control. It is about physical strength...with no intellect, understanding, or empathy.
The second name is "a pen mentality". Pen as in penitentiary. This is the way that human beings treat each other in prison. This same population considers themselves as soldiers and so the core of this mentality is the same. That same mentality filters out into the street through thugs and gangs...billy bad asses and alcoholic individuals unable to get their life's struggles under control...immaturity and the sheep mentality when individual's do not value themselves more than simply fitting in with a crowd...as well as some of the mentally ill. There are more categories of course...I am simplifying for the purposes of this post...but there are more.
Suffice it to say...this is all without self-respect as I have described it in the above mentioned blog.
Respect is earned. But self-respect is earned and hard fought for as well. Someone who acts under the definitions above...who is living in our society and not in a hot...forward area...defending our country...does not and should not be living with a warrior's or a pen mentality. It is simply not necessary and more so it is harmful to the individual as well as our communities for each of us to allow ourselves to reduce ourselves to these poor ways of being in the world. It is absolutely a reduction as a human being to view our world like this because it justifies inhuman behavior. Behavior that is illegal, immoral, undignified, corrupt, and disrespectful.
It takes more guts...more bravery...more courage...to hold your personal integrity intact and retain your self-respect by not allowing yourself to be degraded and reducing your belief and behavior to actions brought on by these faulty belief systems. We should instead rise above petty immature and inane feuding and treat each other the way we should be treating each other...with dignity and respect. It takes more to be more. It does not take much to revel in degradation. This attitude and belief is shallow and unfulfilling. One will never be their full potential as a human being by embracing violence and pride. I guess it comes down to what one wants in their life...and if one does not care for ones self...one will hurt others...and thereby themselves...because they will be ignorant of being any better.
I do find it interesting that so many of us can be so truncated in our own ability to develop. Of course I am not above the warriors or pen mentality. I lived a good portion of my life from the same direction and therefore I am not speaking from some lofty perch. However...I learned to do better...and learned to live better...and learned to believe in a better way. Truth.
I guess part of things is just about maturity. For in my younger years when I was a scrapper and came from the same mentality...I saw, said, and did things that I would never do in the same way now. Truth.
Interesting how truth works...
Truth.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Healing...
It is good to see a new year come and we can begin again, entering a fresh calendar and new beginnings. There is a feeling of excitement in the new and a sense of anticipation. Of course it is also a bit of folly because the only thing that has really happened is we have crossed over a threshold of a calendar which is simply a perception. But the perception of time in a calendar can be as real as one will make it...so I will take the road to the new and go with the flow, celebrating it's possibilities.
I consistently find as I walk along my path in this life that I am choosing to view things as positive whenever I can manage to justify it in my own mind. Not that there isn't the negative out there...there is plenty of bad to go around. But I gotta tell ya, I personally, feel better as I try to search for the positive in whatever it is. I find this more healing...more cathartic...for me.
Sometimes that is really difficult because there is a part of me that feeds on catastrophizing a situation or an event. I kinda grew up with that perception around me. My mom told me once that she expects the worst, and then if it doesn't happen, she is relieved and if it does, she is not surprised or disappointed. Not to point fingers or anything...we are all allowed our own way of looking at life, but every cell in me hears that and my response is...yuck. I do not want to expect the worst. I do not want to be disappointed either, don't get me wrong, but I would rather focus on hope and expect the best...the positive...and work towards making even a cruddy situation positive.
One of my clinical supervisors, as I was going through my training for being a marriage and family therapist once told me, "even in the worst stories, experiences, and situations...you will know the client has turned a corner towards permanent healing once they view their horrible situation as positive. That is the only point that they will be able to get past it".
So the idea is that even if a person has been exposed to being hurt, attacked, maimed, raped, watched someone else killed, or almost died themselves, they need to get to a point in their perception...their view of their own experience...that will speak to them as the outcome of that experience as being positive.
Now...it is completely understandable if you read that statement and say to yourself there is no way I could be maimed or raped or watched someone die and see it as positive. That might be a perfectly normal reaction and it even might be a reaction shared by the majority of people reading this, however...if you want to heal from the wound...you need to get to the point...with time and a lot of effort...that will lead you to a place which will allow you to see that good has come from whatever it is that happened to you.
Why would you have been made better by going through something horrible? Well...usually all the pain experienced, that hurts and leaves us wondering why...will lead us to new realizations and learning experiences...and sometimes even to safer and healthier places in life. Not always will it make one healthier...in a physical sense...but very often that is an added benefit. The point is, the experiences have a benefit, even though they were traumatic to go through. It is at that point that one can make the transition from being a victim of the experience...to being proactive and moving forward in their own life...taking charge...in a healthy way.
We watched 20/20 last night and saw the story of a 16 year old girl who 6 years ago at the age of 10 was left in charge of her 3 year old sister, in a trailer, while mom went off to a casino to gamble. While left alone, two teenagers come to the trailer, gained entry, and stabbed her and her sister. The 3 year old died and the 10 year old almost died. She was stabbed repeatedly and left in a wheel chair. It was a horrific scene and one that on so many levels should never have happened. The teenagers, a brother (19) and a sister (16) were caught and convicted. They had a problem with the children's mother because of a drug deal gone bad.
Today the survivor is 16 years old, going to high school, is a popular, smart, cute teenager, full of life and energetic, looking at her future with eyes wide open, having just been adopted by her foster family. She is an athlete and is participating in track and field events in her wheel chair. She is living her life...not just existing in it...not just surviving it. She is happy. She is healthy. This survivor...this young girl... said that she wasn't angry. She was actually thankful that this had happened to her. "How?!?" you might ask? She said that before the attack her life was horrible. Now her life is wonderful. She has a real family, real support, and a real future. She also has money ($5 million) because the trailer park was owned by a casino and provided no security. The money in no way makes up for the fact that this young girl no longer has use of half her body and that her sister died.
But she is in a place today that is a place of healing. A place of going forward into a future that will be bright. She is not a victim...she truly is a survivor...in every sense of the word. The reality of her current life is because of her healing and her attitude. It would be fairly easy for her to get stuck in the why me cycle. She is choosing to go forward in her life, which means she needs to look at the gifts she has received once the physical wounds have healed. Sometimes situations are not as clear as this young lady's example, but the point is there will always be something positive to take from whatever the damage is...sometimes it takes us awhile to find it or see the lesson, but it will show itself, and it is our job to be open and receptive to hearing the lesson...to learning.
Which brings me full circle. By being open to learning and receptive to a positive attitude, one can find a way through the brambles and thorns of life's painful paths to see that no matter how hard or bad things might seem, there are lessons to learn and things to be thankful for. Your life is whatever you make it and looking for excuses as to why you aren't or shouldn't be or can't...which is a word I personally hate....HATE...can't....is self-defeating.
Which is why I will always do my personal best, to try to look at the positive perception, because it is the right thing for me...and I would hope...is the right thing for you as well. Just about anything...is possible, if you believe.
I consistently find as I walk along my path in this life that I am choosing to view things as positive whenever I can manage to justify it in my own mind. Not that there isn't the negative out there...there is plenty of bad to go around. But I gotta tell ya, I personally, feel better as I try to search for the positive in whatever it is. I find this more healing...more cathartic...for me.
Sometimes that is really difficult because there is a part of me that feeds on catastrophizing a situation or an event. I kinda grew up with that perception around me. My mom told me once that she expects the worst, and then if it doesn't happen, she is relieved and if it does, she is not surprised or disappointed. Not to point fingers or anything...we are all allowed our own way of looking at life, but every cell in me hears that and my response is...yuck. I do not want to expect the worst. I do not want to be disappointed either, don't get me wrong, but I would rather focus on hope and expect the best...the positive...and work towards making even a cruddy situation positive.
One of my clinical supervisors, as I was going through my training for being a marriage and family therapist once told me, "even in the worst stories, experiences, and situations...you will know the client has turned a corner towards permanent healing once they view their horrible situation as positive. That is the only point that they will be able to get past it".
So the idea is that even if a person has been exposed to being hurt, attacked, maimed, raped, watched someone else killed, or almost died themselves, they need to get to a point in their perception...their view of their own experience...that will speak to them as the outcome of that experience as being positive.
Now...it is completely understandable if you read that statement and say to yourself there is no way I could be maimed or raped or watched someone die and see it as positive. That might be a perfectly normal reaction and it even might be a reaction shared by the majority of people reading this, however...if you want to heal from the wound...you need to get to the point...with time and a lot of effort...that will lead you to a place which will allow you to see that good has come from whatever it is that happened to you.
Why would you have been made better by going through something horrible? Well...usually all the pain experienced, that hurts and leaves us wondering why...will lead us to new realizations and learning experiences...and sometimes even to safer and healthier places in life. Not always will it make one healthier...in a physical sense...but very often that is an added benefit. The point is, the experiences have a benefit, even though they were traumatic to go through. It is at that point that one can make the transition from being a victim of the experience...to being proactive and moving forward in their own life...taking charge...in a healthy way.
We watched 20/20 last night and saw the story of a 16 year old girl who 6 years ago at the age of 10 was left in charge of her 3 year old sister, in a trailer, while mom went off to a casino to gamble. While left alone, two teenagers come to the trailer, gained entry, and stabbed her and her sister. The 3 year old died and the 10 year old almost died. She was stabbed repeatedly and left in a wheel chair. It was a horrific scene and one that on so many levels should never have happened. The teenagers, a brother (19) and a sister (16) were caught and convicted. They had a problem with the children's mother because of a drug deal gone bad.
Today the survivor is 16 years old, going to high school, is a popular, smart, cute teenager, full of life and energetic, looking at her future with eyes wide open, having just been adopted by her foster family. She is an athlete and is participating in track and field events in her wheel chair. She is living her life...not just existing in it...not just surviving it. She is happy. She is healthy. This survivor...this young girl... said that she wasn't angry. She was actually thankful that this had happened to her. "How?!?" you might ask? She said that before the attack her life was horrible. Now her life is wonderful. She has a real family, real support, and a real future. She also has money ($5 million) because the trailer park was owned by a casino and provided no security. The money in no way makes up for the fact that this young girl no longer has use of half her body and that her sister died.
But she is in a place today that is a place of healing. A place of going forward into a future that will be bright. She is not a victim...she truly is a survivor...in every sense of the word. The reality of her current life is because of her healing and her attitude. It would be fairly easy for her to get stuck in the why me cycle. She is choosing to go forward in her life, which means she needs to look at the gifts she has received once the physical wounds have healed. Sometimes situations are not as clear as this young lady's example, but the point is there will always be something positive to take from whatever the damage is...sometimes it takes us awhile to find it or see the lesson, but it will show itself, and it is our job to be open and receptive to hearing the lesson...to learning.
Which brings me full circle. By being open to learning and receptive to a positive attitude, one can find a way through the brambles and thorns of life's painful paths to see that no matter how hard or bad things might seem, there are lessons to learn and things to be thankful for. Your life is whatever you make it and looking for excuses as to why you aren't or shouldn't be or can't...which is a word I personally hate....HATE...can't....is self-defeating.
Which is why I will always do my personal best, to try to look at the positive perception, because it is the right thing for me...and I would hope...is the right thing for you as well. Just about anything...is possible, if you believe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
