I am a firm believer in only making threats that are fully intended on being kept. In other words if you are a person that could not use a weapon against another...even if you carried one...then you should never carry one.
If you are someone that is unsure if you could use a weapon against someone else...but you carry one anyway...you would have to make that decision in a split second as to whether or not it is actually possible for you...which is an unwise position to put oneself in.
If you are someone that is quite sure...given the circumstances...that this is very real and possible for you to do...then this is a reality for you and you have decided it to be so.
I believe that you should never pull a weapon on someone unless you fully intend on using it...or at least are ready to if need be.
It is interesting to me how people often do not consider consequences in their lives when it comes to their words and behaviors. Many times people will put themselves out there and at risk...in ways that they may not even realize that they are doing. Sometimes they put others at risk by their words and behaviors without understanding the risks involved.
Example...A child is told multiple times to stop a behavior in the home...they don't...and the result is they "accidentally" break something. Because of mom or dad's repeated warnings their reaction to the crash is emotional and swift. Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?
That last question is a statement as well as a question. The kid is saying to themselves....wrong with me? I didn't know anything was wrong with me....something must be wrong with me.
Did mom or dad mean to screw with their child's self esteem and self-definition? Of course not...but could they have anyway? Absolutely they could have.
Another example...husband and wife are not getting along and are arguing. Emotions escalate, both are emotionally reactive, and one threatens to leave or to divorce. Is the threat real or is it just a threat? Does it matter?
Yes...it matters a great deal. Again...I am a firm believer in not using threats unless they are a direct and firmly clear warning of an action....nothing less. So threatening to leave or divorce...as some misguided way of scaring or manipulating is just plain careless and really...not very smart. I do not believe it would get one what they really want.
Throwing those words out there should ONLY come if it is a firm fact and it is your intention to actually go through with it...otherwise you are being mean, vindictive, and manipulating. One other thing about this "threat" is it becomes meaningless if it is used uselessly so the partner would not know if it were real or just another manipulation. This is not something that a true "partner" would do.
If threatening people were a healthy thing to do there would be healthy positive consequences that would come from it. Most of the time however...threats are often a way to manipulate, bully, and basically be mean to people.
I personally think that the healthy thing to do in situations where I want to express something and I am emotional in the moment...is to make an informational comment that is not slanted in a threatening manner and then excuse myself until I am calm and rational. I have not always been in this space...there was a time in my life when I was less mature about these situations...but nowadays...I make a real effort to keep my emotional reactions in check so that I can think my way through moments where my emotions rule. It isn't easy...and no one is perfect...but I believe if a person is putting in the effort...then anything can be accomplished.
Maybe the key is to focus on what is healthy instead of being right. I mean we can all fight to the death to try to get someone else to see how right we are and how valuable our opinion and our point is....but it only makes the other person defensive and angry...and they won't listen to us or find what we are saying valuable....so what is the point really?
If you want to be heard...cramming your point down someone else's throat is a sure way to not getting listened to...it's pretty much a guarantee. If you want to be heard...then I would suggest you try to hear the other person first...it usually goes much better that way. It took me until the last several years until I learned this...but in my experience listening first is the better route to go.
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As aways, I enjoy the provoking of thought!
I must preface my response with this: "Neither pleasure responsibilities as your own, nor your own responsibilities to others for pleasure."
I’m not convinced, but it might be that risk assessment was the subject and not attenuation auditory abilities.
I cannot disagree with the sentiments of “…manipulate, bully, and basically be mean…” that can be felt by any individual. The sentiment is especially present in your opinion. But I must point out, that so is the speculative nature of the consequences.
Either way, the subject matter of Listen First -a threat- is contextual. Carrying with it a stronger meaning then words like warning, admonition, caveat, …etc
I’d like to dispose of the speculative consequences, the impending doom and speak to the certainties that where omitted.
I disagree with the assertion that, what is said is of no matter. Certainly your most current writing (Listen First) serves two examples that illustrate the hypocrisy of such a stance.
A parent or guarding is given authority, if not complete authority; than an extended responsibility from the state.
Adults, married by legal decree are charged by the state to conduct their affairs, in a manner very similarly to that of most contractual agreements. That is to say, law imposes certain obligations on married couples, which you cannot contract out of.
Given your two brief examples below:
In the course of a parent attempting to prevent the inadvertent destruction of property.
Parent speaking to a child:
---- …Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?
Spouse speaking to spouse.
---- …one threatens to leave or to divorce…
I understand the subtle and implied manipulations that are present. But, I believe the matter moves beyond the opinion and inductive reasoning presented in (Listen First).
The answers lay within:
Who has authority and responsibility?
What is the imposed certain\certainties of the obligations to the relationship?
How does the law define threat?
When does an infringement upon the certainties and obligations occur?
And in the end, the question is who established these values?
In summary;
I think your writing serves as an excellent example of just how imagination, willfully participating admonisher's and gullibility can be used to vilify.
“Ah, life. If it where so simple as the written narrative, I’d write myself as GOD.”
Whew. Listen First?! What planet are you from??? Ok, just kidding. I couldn't agree with you more, but me, being a super emotional person, this is a difficult task at best. But I try.
Threats. Yea. They suck. I lived that life. For over 7 years. I had one good year and 6 years of "which way do I go, what's he mean, what will today be, do we love each other or should I pack?"
Threats suck. I got good at them too! Why not! They elicit IMMEDIATE response - or at first anyway.
Then I grew up (some) and I met you, and we talked, and we got a degree in pschology (which just proved we are nuts) and we had our own trials and tribulations that we survived ONLY beacause we talk so damned much.
I rememember even in our relationship, in the beginning, I tried the threats I learned about in my previous relationship. They kinda worked. You listened. I listened. But there was always this feeling of regreat lingering in the air that separated us. I felt ashamed, I didn't know I was damaging me so much each time I spewed that "I'm not sure we should be togehter!"
Then one day, you said so rationally, so cooly, so seriously. "Don't tell me you want to break up unless you mean it. Cause if you say it, I will take you seriously, and it will be done."
OH CRAP!
I think it was that day we made a deal (a pinky swear of sorts) that we would both refrain from those threatening remarks - after all - there was not a bone in my body that really wanted to go anywhere but in your arms. In fact, often times I just wanted you to do that... hug me. "I'm leaving!" meant "Please Please Please hold me before I crumble to the ground."
That was the best pinky swear we ever made. And too this day I can feel uncertain about many things, things outside of our relationship, and even some things in our relationship, but the one thing that is constant is my feeling safe that we are TOGETHER for the long haul.
Now, I am not saying that divorce is not an option. It always is! And for some people, thank GOODNESS! But for me, right now, and in my forseeable future, I know where I am. Right there with you baby. No more threats. And infact, I have even gotten slightly better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say, "HUG ME, RIGHT NOW, PLEASE, BEFORE I FALL TO THE GROUND."
Oh, and you threw the kids comment in too?!?! Babe - that's a whole separate POST! BOOK! SERIES OF BOOKS! Sheesh!
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