Healing...

It is good to see a new year come and we can begin again, entering a fresh calendar and new beginnings. There is a feeling of excitement in the new and a sense of anticipation. Of course it is also a bit of folly because the only thing that has really happened is we have crossed over a threshold of a calendar which is simply a perception. But the perception of time in a calendar can be as real as one will make it...so I will take the road to the new and go with the flow, celebrating it's possibilities.

I consistently find as I walk along my path in this life that I am choosing to view things as positive whenever I can manage to justify it in my own mind. Not that there isn't the negative out there...there is plenty of bad to go around. But I gotta tell ya, I personally, feel better as I try to search for the positive in whatever it is. I find this more healing...more cathartic...for me.

Sometimes that is really difficult because there is a part of me that feeds on catastrophizing a situation or an event. I kinda grew up with that perception around me. My mom told me once that she expects the worst, and then if it doesn't happen, she is relieved and if it does, she is not surprised or disappointed. Not to point fingers or anything...we are all allowed our own way of looking at life, but every cell in me hears that and my response is...yuck. I do not want to expect the worst. I do not want to be disappointed either, don't get me wrong, but I would rather focus on hope and expect the best...the positive...and work towards making even a cruddy situation positive.

One of my clinical supervisors, as I was going through my training for being a marriage and family therapist once told me, "even in the worst stories, experiences, and situations...you will know the client has turned a corner towards permanent healing once they view their horrible situation as positive. That is the only point that they will be able to get past it".

So the idea is that even if a person has been exposed to being hurt, attacked, maimed, raped, watched someone else killed, or almost died themselves, they need to get to a point in their perception...their view of their own experience...that will speak to them as the outcome of that experience as being positive.

Now...it is completely understandable if you read that statement and say to yourself there is no way I could be maimed or raped or watched someone die and see it as positive. That might be a perfectly normal reaction and it even might be a reaction shared by the majority of people reading this, however...if you want to heal from the wound...you need to get to the point...with time and a lot of effort...that will lead you to a place which will allow you to see that good has come from whatever it is that happened to you.

Why would you have been made better by going through something horrible? Well...usually all the pain experienced, that hurts and leaves us wondering why...will lead us to new realizations and learning experiences...and sometimes even to safer and healthier places in life. Not always will it make one healthier...in a physical sense...but very often that is an added benefit. The point is, the experiences have a benefit, even though they were traumatic to go through. It is at that point that one can make the transition from being a victim of the experience...to being proactive and moving forward in their own life...taking charge...in a healthy way.

We watched 20/20 last night and saw the story of a 16 year old girl who 6 years ago at the age of 10 was left in charge of her 3 year old sister, in a trailer, while mom went off to a casino to gamble. While left alone, two teenagers come to the trailer, gained entry, and stabbed her and her sister. The 3 year old died and the 10 year old almost died. She was stabbed repeatedly and left in a wheel chair. It was a horrific scene and one that on so many levels should never have happened. The teenagers, a brother (19) and a sister (16) were caught and convicted. They had a problem with the children's mother because of a drug deal gone bad.

Today the survivor is 16 years old, going to high school, is a popular, smart, cute teenager, full of life and energetic, looking at her future with eyes wide open, having just been adopted by her foster family. She is an athlete and is participating in track and field events in her wheel chair. She is living her life...not just existing in it...not just surviving it. She is happy. She is healthy. This survivor...this young girl... said that she wasn't angry. She was actually thankful that this had happened to her. "How?!?" you might ask? She said that before the attack her life was horrible. Now her life is wonderful. She has a real family, real support, and a real future. She also has money ($5 million) because the trailer park was owned by a casino and provided no security. The money in no way makes up for the fact that this young girl no longer has use of half her body and that her sister died.

But she is in a place today that is a place of healing. A place of going forward into a future that will be bright. She is not a victim...she truly is a survivor...in every sense of the word. The reality of her current life is because of her healing and her attitude. It would be fairly easy for her to get stuck in the why me cycle. She is choosing to go forward in her life, which means she needs to look at the gifts she has received once the physical wounds have healed. Sometimes situations are not as clear as this young lady's example, but the point is there will always be something positive to take from whatever the damage is...sometimes it takes us awhile to find it or see the lesson, but it will show itself, and it is our job to be open and receptive to hearing the lesson...to learning.

Which brings me full circle. By being open to learning and receptive to a positive attitude, one can find a way through the brambles and thorns of life's painful paths to see that no matter how hard or bad things might seem, there are lessons to learn and things to be thankful for. Your life is whatever you make it and looking for excuses as to why you aren't or shouldn't be or can't...which is a word I personally hate....HATE...can't....is self-defeating.

Which is why I will always do my personal best, to try to look at the positive perception, because it is the right thing for me...and I would hope...is the right thing for you as well. Just about anything...is possible, if you believe.