Time...

Have you ever noticed how time seems to change in different areas of one's life? It is the same sixty minute clock...the same 365 day calendar...the same 60 second minute...but somehow...someway...the older that I get...everything seems to be speeding up. I feel like I am on a ride and I am headed downhill...and as time goes on...I am picking up speed. The momentum is increasing and I am somehow just along for the ride.

Meaning that I can't stop this...it seems....no matter how hard I try to slow it down...no matter how much effort I put in...no matter how far I have come...no matter what I say...think...scream...whisper...hear...react to...calm down...meditate...become mindful of in any moment...ponder...wonder...or cartwheel my way through this life...I can't seem to find the brakes. Not to stop it necessarily...cause that isn't really what I want...just slow down a bit...

I have three grown children...four in all. Two sons and two daughters in that order. They are currently 25, 23, just recently turned 21 years...and the little one is now 22 months. I watched my older three grow and it amazed me because no matter how good or bad things got...time marched on and they grew. They are all amazing people and I am very proud of each of them. But watching them grow and become the people who they have become was very hard...because...well...there has been so much that has happened...and so much to see...sooo much to learn...and teach...and I wanted what I could not have...which was to hang on to those years...but time changes that...time changes the relationships...as it should...but there is a piece of me that remembers...and it makes me smile...and want to cry...all at the same time.

The kicker here...is that almost two years ago now...I started all over...and I LOVE it...and I fear it...and I am enjoying it...all at the same time. Time is such a trip. I didn't have gray hair the first time around. I didn't have a hitch in my giddy up...and I didn't look in the mirror and wonder what the hell happened to me. I have all those things going on now...I try not to dwell on any of it too much...but it is all there...and yet...here I am...with our Sarah Bear in tow...doing it all again...but this time...things are a bit different.

I find myself already missing things that have passed...because I already have the experience of having it...and then having to let it go...because that is the nature of time...and of parenting...because Sarah is growing so fast...and learning at a rate that amazes me...she is truly awesome. I love that little girl...and the time I get to have with her is precious to me. She is a joy in my life and an absolute blessing in every way and sense of the word....and I am already missing the time that is slipping away...it is all bittersweet...but that is the balance of life...anything in too large a quantity is unhealthy...anything overdone is somehow less than...so maybe it is with time as well.

If we were to have more time...for ourselves...with our children....which I have often wished for and wondered about...would it actually be worth it? Better for us? Better for them? Would we do the right thing with that gift? I would like to think that I would...but I am not so sure...I hope that I would...but I wonder...maybe God knows what He is doing after all right? Maybe this is just as it is supposed to be...and because of that...it is up to us...and the effort that we make of it...to make our time quality time...and not wasted time...I see so much waste through my work...and it is such a problem and a shame...there is sooo much pain out there...it is painful to see...and yet...it is a good thing that time is there...to heal us...and lead us to the next phase...and help us find our way.