Listen first

I am a firm believer in only making threats that are fully intended on being kept. In other words if you are a person that could not use a weapon against another...even if you carried one...then you should never carry one.

If you are someone that is unsure if you could use a weapon against someone else...but you carry one anyway...you would have to make that decision in a split second as to whether or not it is actually possible for you...which is an unwise position to put oneself in.

If you are someone that is quite sure...given the circumstances...that this is very real and possible for you to do...then this is a reality for you and you have decided it to be so.

I believe that you should never pull a weapon on someone unless you fully intend on using it...or at least are ready to if need be.

It is interesting to me how people often do not consider consequences in their lives when it comes to their words and behaviors. Many times people will put themselves out there and at risk...in ways that they may not even realize that they are doing. Sometimes they put others at risk by their words and behaviors without understanding the risks involved.

Example...A child is told multiple times to stop a behavior in the home...they don't...and the result is they "accidentally" break something. Because of mom or dad's repeated warnings their reaction to the crash is emotional and swift. Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?

That last question is a statement as well as a question. The kid is saying to themselves....wrong with me? I didn't know anything was wrong with me....something must be wrong with me.

Did mom or dad mean to screw with their child's self esteem and self-definition? Of course not...but could they have anyway? Absolutely they could have.

Another example...husband and wife are not getting along and are arguing. Emotions escalate, both are emotionally reactive, and one threatens to leave or to divorce. Is the threat real or is it just a threat? Does it matter?

Yes...it matters a great deal. Again...I am a firm believer in not using threats unless they are a direct and firmly clear warning of an action....nothing less. So threatening to leave or divorce...as some misguided way of scaring or manipulating is just plain careless and really...not very smart. I do not believe it would get one what they really want.

Throwing those words out there should ONLY come if it is a firm fact and it is your intention to actually go through with it...otherwise you are being mean, vindictive, and manipulating. One other thing about this "threat" is it becomes meaningless if it is used uselessly so the partner would not know if it were real or just another manipulation. This is not something that a true "partner" would do.

If threatening people were a healthy thing to do there would be healthy positive consequences that would come from it. Most of the time however...threats are often a way to manipulate, bully, and basically be mean to people.

I personally think that the healthy thing to do in situations where I want to express something and I am emotional in the moment...is to make an informational comment that is not slanted in a threatening manner and then excuse myself until I am calm and rational. I have not always been in this space...there was a time in my life when I was less mature about these situations...but nowadays...I make a real effort to keep my emotional reactions in check so that I can think my way through moments where my emotions rule. It isn't easy...and no one is perfect...but I believe if a person is putting in the effort...then anything can be accomplished.

Maybe the key is to focus on what is healthy instead of being right. I mean we can all fight to the death to try to get someone else to see how right we are and how valuable our opinion and our point is....but it only makes the other person defensive and angry...and they won't listen to us or find what we are saying valuable....so what is the point really?

If you want to be heard...cramming your point down someone else's throat is a sure way to not getting listened to...it's pretty much a guarantee. If you want to be heard...then I would suggest you try to hear the other person first...it usually goes much better that way. It took me until the last several years until I learned this...but in my experience listening first is the better route to go.

Modern Day...

I've found the world of blogging to be fun and interesting...playful and compelling...seriously opinionated and ultimately a healthy way to interact and express with the world...even if not completely intimately...at least...it is honestly...and for me...and for those I enjoy reading the most...it is release...and a way to share yourself.

What I think I find the most interesting is the disconnect. It is a virtual world surrounded by long distance relationships and people that we are connected to...but at the same time disconnected with...and by being physically disconnected...there is an intimacy about it that previously was only known by letter writing...which was mutually time consuming and exciting. The time spent waiting for that letter...that response...was invigorating and aggravating...suspense laden...and thrilling. There was an essence of that wait that we have obviously lost...and I am not wholeheartedly happy about that loss...a piece of me feels less for the absence of that wait. I am not saying I regret having Email, instant messaging, and the Internet...but I am saying, as I have said before, everything has a cost...and sometimes that cost is difficult to register until one steps back and looks at the big picture.

So there is a physical disconnect in our communication as well as a bridge to bring us back together. I sit here writing this blog and thinking about this disconnect...and the bridge that leads me back to you reading this...and considering the possibility that even though we have lost that wait...and that anticipation for that letter or telegraph...that the gains somehow improve our lives more than the loss of the wait.

News...now...is immediate. Realism is king and seeing what is going on around the world is currently possible. We have now watched war being waged in real time...multiple times. Recently the president mentioned the arrest of a prominent figure (Henry Louis Gates) of a major university (Harvard) trying to get into his own house through his own front door after returning from vacation...and arrested on his own porch...for getting upset because the police were giving him a hard time...about getting into his own house. I don't know what the man said...or exactly how he acted...towards the police officers...but it does make sense to me that it would piss the guy off...if I put myself in his place...it would be upsetting to me as well. Of course this is even putting the race issue at the side. But in the insanity of the blitz of information and the speed that it flows I see something healthy, as well as something very unhealthy mixing in with this.

Communication is our greatest tool and with the weight of the responsibility that it bears we need to ensure and use our freedom of speech tempered with the accountability of our message. But because we write this and then hit a button and fire it off...there is very little rumination of information. So we need to be careful of looking at what we produce and keeping it worthy of our time...and the time of others. Scrutinize what you put out there and we will all feel better about it...and I will try to do the same.

All in all I guess the ability to get a thought out there instantly is a good thing...as long as there is responsibility that comes along with it.

Bittersweet

In the last several months...I have continually been reminded how fragile our lives are and how close to the brink of serious disaster at worst...and serious change...at best...we all are...at every given moment.

I guess this kind of started with the Sandra Cantu disappearance and murder last March...the little 8 year old girl in Tracy California who was abducted, molested, murdered, and stuffed into a suitcase and left in an agricultural drainage ditch where she was found by farm workers...the accused murderer is a female Sunday school teacher.

After having no traffic tickets in like 20 years or whatever I get two in one week...and a couple weeks after that go to the court house to pay my fines and hit this insane media frenzy surrounding the Cantu case and then actually watch the Cantu family enter the courthouse close up and personal. I wrote about it in my other blog here if you'd like to read that...
http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2009/04/surreal.html

So that is where I begin in this because it was surreal to me and actually had a fairly large and negative impact on me. I got...for just a few short moments directly...and overall maybe an hour total indirectly...very close to the flame and I felt the heat...of our press and the limelight of horrific and negative change...

That family...just weeks before that day...had no idea that this would be their life. A horrible act and event happened...and it acts as a pivot...and their lives go in a completely and wholly different direction.

Sometimes...this happens and the pivot is not horrible or evil. Sometimes...as when we start a new job or finish our education or start a business...maybe even win the lottery...whew wouldn't that be cool?!?....we have a pivotal moment and our lives are never again the same but it is a good thing.

Some times...and I dare say more often...the pivot is bittersweet. There is good and bad mixed in to the event and/or outcome of the event which we deal with. But our lives are changed just the same.

I am dealing with such pivotal change in my life currently and it is bittersweet. My daughter Harmony...was married yesterday and she spent her last night in her room under our roof...night before last. She said goodbye last night. Now...this is a cause of celebration and my wife and I are both very happy for her...it's an awesome thing...but it is hard for us to see her go...bittersweet...and Sarah...our 3 year old daughter is missing her sissy...even though she now has her own room all to herself...but she is by herself now too.

My son...is having Dr's at Stanford talk to him about a double lung transplant...within the next few months...and that means it could extend his life between 5-10 years and most of that first 5 years would be with a much different quality of life for him...no more treatments and oxygen tanks...and likely no hospital stays...unless he gets sick...in which case a common cold could kill him...because he will be on 25 medications that are trying to keep his body from rejecting the organs but also completely decimating his immune system. He says that he wants to climb Half-Dome in Yosemite and if he gets through the surgery and gets through the first year of healing....he could do that.

Bittersweet

Change is one of the few constants that we have and can count on. Sometimes...the change is wonderful...and sometimes it is horrible...but more often...as with so much in life...the reality is somewhere in the middle. So to me...it seems that the subject returns to creating a balance. When something is bittersweet there is quite a bit to be able to take from it and learn...which is one of the best parts...but there is a cost to it as well. All things have a cost...even those things that give the appearance as being free...all things have a cost.

I think that the cost of a thing sometimes...oftentimes...holds more meaning than we may realize at the time...and often we pay a cost without having thought out what that cost will entail and thereby sometimes...leaving us unprepared for paying that cost. But pay we must...for in all things there is a balance.

For me...the issue becomes one of awareness and preparation...but it is almost impossible to prepare one's self...to prepare for some things...so even in this it is difficult. But to try to be prepared for it and to try to be ready...which I often fail miserably at...I still try though...but the purpose is in the effort and not necessarily in the outcome...or said another way...it is the journey and not the destination...that is important and the point.

But even in this...it is bittersweet...