Newness...

Sometimes...I don't know about you...but I get restless and I am unsure of where it comes from. I get this feeling deep down in my gut....deep down in my heart & soul...that is stirring and speaking to me...pushing me to move on to somewhere else...and most of the time...I am not sure where this "else" is...I just know that I get this feeling of wanting something new...new to work on and get excited about...new to me...new to my sense of creativity...new to my heart....new to my body and mind...just...new.

Newness...it describes something as fresh...out of our understanding and experience...difference...not the same old routine...a pivot...like when we get a new car...or a new home...a new place to live...a new job...a new relationship...a new child to raise....a new hobby...a new friend...a new lease on life...travel to a new place...a new discovery...a new lesson learned...the joy from this...there's nothing like it.

I am always on the lookout for something new to me...something I don't "know" but want to learn...but it occurs to me that there are ways of being that are foreign to me. Ways in the world I do not relate to.

For example...I do not know what it is like to not have a problem with my weight. Some folks have never been heavy so they can't relate to how a person gets 100 + lbs overweight. I don't get how they can maintain a healthy "normal" weight. I first gained extra weight at age 8 yrs. I have tried...I have lost a lot of weight at one time...I have made changes...and still...here I am...and I am sick about it...both emotionally and physically...literally...hell of a price to pay...for hiding from my pain.

Another example would be money. I grew up middle income...as an adult I have been poor, raising 3 kids, barely scraping by with bare cupboards, getting evicted and literally put out on a curb with my kids in tow by a sheriff...and have also been various levels of middle income...but have not been able to breach that ceiling. I work like a slave, I try to learn and educate myself on financial matters and be financially literate...but I just don't ever seem to pull away from where I am stuck at...much like my weight...maybe even for the same reason...I don't know...

I work for other people...the safety and security of having a position that is dependable where I have some challenge but a lot of structure...which I constantly battle against and conform to all at the same time...where my time is not mine...my time belongs to someone else...an illusion...yes I know...but all the same for all intents and purposes...it is a truth during those hours...for a paycheck...for retirement...for insurance...for the safety of my family and myself...for what? Am I not capable of anything else....anything more...to grow my own...something?

New...newness...I guess it also represents freedom doesn't it? A feeling of freedom at least. I mean I understand that it isn't really being free...but it does have a representation of freedom...again...an illusion....but at least a sense of it...

Freedom from what exactly? Freedom from my way of being in the world? Freedom from the life I have always known and lived? Freedom from repetitive mistakes that create drives and needs of which I have outgrown? Or is it simply freedom from habits? Old ways of being that I now recognize as unhealthy and wasteful? Ways of being that are making me sick and pushing me towards living something new...living something different...living...truly...living.

New...different...change...

Change comes hard to me. It isn't that I don't like it because I like....new. I like going into uncharted waters and exploring to learn and grow. I get off on that.

But I like the familiar too...and it is comfortable...reassuring...safe..secure...home...no fear...no challenge either..but no fear...

Hmm...maybe fear is the real issue...doing something that scares you...breaking down the fears and walls...because I do LOVE "that" feeling. Striking fear in the heart of fear. Is that the same thing as doing something that scares you to death? Maybe...maybe...

All I feel like I know...is that my personal challenge...is to become a better me...and I don't know if there is anything more to life than that...

Questions in the meantime...

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and were surprised by who was staring back at you?

When was the first time you realised you had some "thing" that others admired?

Who was the first person you realised was not who you thought they were...and you were glad?

What was the last situation...that you truly told someone what you thought...because it was the right thing to do...and not the convenient thing to do?

When were you first wounded by someone you trusted...and what music do you relate to that experience?

Somehow...it has been on my mind that the experiences we find painful are also attached to music from our lives...and that music is sometimes a way for us to retrace the experience and the pain...in a bittersweet, nostalgic, painful reminder of where we were when __________ happened.

If questions were expectations and answers were invitations then we could expect to be invited to opportunities that were beyond our limited understanding and look forward to our growth.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all were focused on our own personal growth and forward motion.

The good news is some of us are and there are others that can be related to. The hard part is distinguishing those in search of their own growth from those that play at it but aren't really interested in being more than they are.

Sometimes that is time consuming and discouraging because one invests time into relationships just to find that the person isn't who they presented themselves to be.

Ahh but if it weren't for these experiences what would we learn from and how would we know?

So our experience is our teacher and our time is it's limit of success.
Tiz...

Do questions answer or do they teach? Do answers invite or do they reproach? Do invitations entice or do they lend themselves to opportunities?

For each of us we will have different answers to these questions...but it is most intriguing as to where it will take you...