Newness...

Sometimes...I don't know about you...but I get restless and I am unsure of where it comes from. I get this feeling deep down in my gut....deep down in my heart & soul...that is stirring and speaking to me...pushing me to move on to somewhere else...and most of the time...I am not sure where this "else" is...I just know that I get this feeling of wanting something new...new to work on and get excited about...new to me...new to my sense of creativity...new to my heart....new to my body and mind...just...new.

Newness...it describes something as fresh...out of our understanding and experience...difference...not the same old routine...a pivot...like when we get a new car...or a new home...a new place to live...a new job...a new relationship...a new child to raise....a new hobby...a new friend...a new lease on life...travel to a new place...a new discovery...a new lesson learned...the joy from this...there's nothing like it.

I am always on the lookout for something new to me...something I don't "know" but want to learn...but it occurs to me that there are ways of being that are foreign to me. Ways in the world I do not relate to.

For example...I do not know what it is like to not have a problem with my weight. Some folks have never been heavy so they can't relate to how a person gets 100 + lbs overweight. I don't get how they can maintain a healthy "normal" weight. I first gained extra weight at age 8 yrs. I have tried...I have lost a lot of weight at one time...I have made changes...and still...here I am...and I am sick about it...both emotionally and physically...literally...hell of a price to pay...for hiding from my pain.

Another example would be money. I grew up middle income...as an adult I have been poor, raising 3 kids, barely scraping by with bare cupboards, getting evicted and literally put out on a curb with my kids in tow by a sheriff...and have also been various levels of middle income...but have not been able to breach that ceiling. I work like a slave, I try to learn and educate myself on financial matters and be financially literate...but I just don't ever seem to pull away from where I am stuck at...much like my weight...maybe even for the same reason...I don't know...

I work for other people...the safety and security of having a position that is dependable where I have some challenge but a lot of structure...which I constantly battle against and conform to all at the same time...where my time is not mine...my time belongs to someone else...an illusion...yes I know...but all the same for all intents and purposes...it is a truth during those hours...for a paycheck...for retirement...for insurance...for the safety of my family and myself...for what? Am I not capable of anything else....anything more...to grow my own...something?

New...newness...I guess it also represents freedom doesn't it? A feeling of freedom at least. I mean I understand that it isn't really being free...but it does have a representation of freedom...again...an illusion....but at least a sense of it...

Freedom from what exactly? Freedom from my way of being in the world? Freedom from the life I have always known and lived? Freedom from repetitive mistakes that create drives and needs of which I have outgrown? Or is it simply freedom from habits? Old ways of being that I now recognize as unhealthy and wasteful? Ways of being that are making me sick and pushing me towards living something new...living something different...living...truly...living.

New...different...change...

Change comes hard to me. It isn't that I don't like it because I like....new. I like going into uncharted waters and exploring to learn and grow. I get off on that.

But I like the familiar too...and it is comfortable...reassuring...safe..secure...home...no fear...no challenge either..but no fear...

Hmm...maybe fear is the real issue...doing something that scares you...breaking down the fears and walls...because I do LOVE "that" feeling. Striking fear in the heart of fear. Is that the same thing as doing something that scares you to death? Maybe...maybe...

All I feel like I know...is that my personal challenge...is to become a better me...and I don't know if there is anything more to life than that...

Questions in the meantime...

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and were surprised by who was staring back at you?

When was the first time you realised you had some "thing" that others admired?

Who was the first person you realised was not who you thought they were...and you were glad?

What was the last situation...that you truly told someone what you thought...because it was the right thing to do...and not the convenient thing to do?

When were you first wounded by someone you trusted...and what music do you relate to that experience?

Somehow...it has been on my mind that the experiences we find painful are also attached to music from our lives...and that music is sometimes a way for us to retrace the experience and the pain...in a bittersweet, nostalgic, painful reminder of where we were when __________ happened.

If questions were expectations and answers were invitations then we could expect to be invited to opportunities that were beyond our limited understanding and look forward to our growth.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all were focused on our own personal growth and forward motion.

The good news is some of us are and there are others that can be related to. The hard part is distinguishing those in search of their own growth from those that play at it but aren't really interested in being more than they are.

Sometimes that is time consuming and discouraging because one invests time into relationships just to find that the person isn't who they presented themselves to be.

Ahh but if it weren't for these experiences what would we learn from and how would we know?

So our experience is our teacher and our time is it's limit of success.
Tiz...

Do questions answer or do they teach? Do answers invite or do they reproach? Do invitations entice or do they lend themselves to opportunities?

For each of us we will have different answers to these questions...but it is most intriguing as to where it will take you...

Once in awhile...

Once in awhile...

I see something in my life that makes me just stop...and appreciate what I have...and what it means to me.

Once in awhile...I am impressed...with someone that crosses my attention span...that speaks to me in a way that stays with me.

Once in awhile...I hear the music playing...without even having to listen...and it takes my breath away because I know...I know...it is from God.

Once in awhile...I catch the light in my wife's eyes...and see how she glows from the inside with a beauty that I can not even imagine.

Once in awhile...I can create the art that is actually in my heart...and when I can...I hear thunder and I see past the light.

Once in awhile...I am briefly aware and in a moment...totally...completely...submerged and overwhelmingly present...so that I can see...the beauty that truly is...and I am exposed to.

Once in awhile...I shut up long enough to hear the small still voice inside my heart...where I hear God speak to my spirit...and love me.

Once in awhile...I look at my children...and I love them with my sight, with my attention...with my mind...with my heart and spirit...with my voice...and with my life.

Once in awhile...I search who I am to find that I can never be who I want to be...but I always return...to who God made me to be.

Once in awhile...I hear meaning...and wisdom...and once in awhile I am humble enough to recognize it...accept it...and let it ring in me.

Once in awhile...I remember how fragile my life is...and I remember how close to the edge I stand daily...and I hope...and I pray.

Once in awhile...I get to love and be loved...and I appreciate each moment...and remember what my life is about...and I fight to be healthy.

Once in awhile I blog...and write...and create...and cringe...because I never really believe I deserve the things I've been given.

Once in awhile I see a sunset that takes my breath away...because I know my dad is up there...painting those sky's for God...and welcoming me back home.

Once in awhile I hear truth...and it rings in my heart like a bell...and I feel the hair on my flesh raise...because I know God has just sent me a message.

Once in awhile...I feel...and I feel colors...and I feel thoughts...and I feel freedom...and I feel trapped...and I feel stupid...and I feel humble...and I feel...which allows me...to be...healthy.

Once in awhile...I find it hard to fight...and I find my weakness...which angers me...and I don't like what that creates in me.

Once in awhile...I get gas...terrible gas...painful gas...and it has to be passed...which makes me...ultimately....very human.

Once in awhile...I remember how much I love to laugh...how much laughter brings joy to my life...and how much I can relate to other human beings by finding the funny.

Once in awhile...I find myself.

Once in awhile...I am.

A terrible tragedy

I am only posting on this blog to say....(and to point to my other blog which has a bit more info)...that I am so profoundly sorry for the loss that Gina, Walt, & family are suffering right now. Please put them in your prayers and send good thoughts as well as some well wishes to them. I can not even imagine what G is going through right now...and for the last almost week...

These are not thoughts to dwell on...except to say that we all need to appreciate those we have in our lives...and remember to act on this consistantly...so that we love (read love = act, action, verb) each other...

May God bless us all...and help us to remember and love each other...

James....you will be remembered.

Happiness...

As I enter a new year...and a new chapter in my life...I have been reflecting lately on what I want and ultimately where I am headed in my path. Yesterday I woke up in an OK mood...but I decided that I wanted to be happy for this day...no matter what is going on...I WANT to be happy...so I am gonna be. I tell this to myself before I have even risen out of bed...and I continued reinforcing it after I was up...thinking that I am in a good mood and have so much to be grateful for...that I am a happy man.

Ya know what? I was happy...all morning...my wife got up and even asked me what I was so happy about...and I looked at her...lovingly...and told her what I believe with ALL of my heart...and that is....I choose to be happy...being happy is a choice...and I choose to be happy. This is how I started my day.

During my day I heard all about how people's lives are messed up.

Anger...depression...anxiety...medications...a suicide attempt in one case...having less than the support one would want to be happy...all kinds of stuff...and I just kept on working that happiness factor...worked my whole day...tension and constant movement all the day long...lunch was a blur of errands...even after work...a run to the bank before I could get home in enough time to have my wife leave for the evening to hang out with her friends...Harmony do the same...so it was just Sarah Bear and I...but I miss her...so we had a blast...and she turns to me...while sitting in my lap and snuggles in to my chest...and says...I love you...SOOOooo much...

Make my heart melt...I am happy...I am a happy man...

Even with a house that still has a tree branch pierced through the roof and a hole above the garage...even with having to drive a rental car because we had the best beach car I have ever had smashed into being a pick up...even with insurance companies making things difficult for us...and testing our patience...even with both of my kids with Cystic Fibrosis not very healthy and scaring the crap out of me...even with a new job that is overwhelming in so many ways it is a stress factory...and my wife's new job that is effecting her in similar ways...even with glass covering my front yard from the car...even with not having a musical outlet currently in my life...even with my weight problem and the medical problems that it creates and I am currently trying to deal with...and this is just a short list mind you...there is sooo much more...I am a happy man because I have a family...with good...solid...loving people whom I trust...and can trust in me...I am a happy man.

I believe...that diversity of this nature gets heaped upon a person when they are doing well....doing what they are supposed to be doing...in their lives...to help others...because the forces that we fight against work towards our destruction...and our failure...but I also believe...that none of that can be one's reality...unless one allows it...and that...is ALL...attitude.

It is all a choice.

After having this hard...but great day...last night...after the girls are back safely at home and all is well...the show 20/20 comes on...and what are they talking about? Happiness. What does it mean and how does it work? What were their conclusions?

I love it when my words come out of someone else's mouth.

Happiness is a choice they report. Happiness has more to do with attitude and less with genetics or environment. The nature vs nurture debate...the argument in psychological circles goes...that about 50% of who we are and how we get there is made up of our genetics...(nature)...and about 50% of who we are and how we get there is made up of our environment...(nurture)...and on this show...they said in regards to happiness...that 50% is genetic....maybe 10% is environment...and 40% is attitude. You choose your level of happiness and fulfillment. It is up to you. They had a pair of identical twins who tested in very different places on a happiness scale and who run very different lives. The difference then...obviously is not genetic...they have the "same" DNA....it is attitude. Attitude creates one's environment as well...so it is not simply environment...it "is" attitude.

What makes us happy?

A sense of safety and security...and a sense of purpose in and for our lives. It is feeling secure...and feeling fulfilled. A lack of either of these...and one will feel on edge...feel like something is missing. They will search for something to fill the void...be it security or purpose.

So...as I have said in earlier postings...I will choose to be positive and look at the bright side...look at what I think is worth putting my focus on...focus...on putting my house in order...inside first...then my outside...to balance...because this is the flow of life...and the flow of one's life...is how one achieves happiness and balance...

The show also talked about bliss...doing whatever your bliss is...and I have talked about the same in this blog before...although I think I used the word joy. Bliss...good word...I like it...one's bliss...one's joy...different for each of us but the same too...find your bliss...find your joy...and work at that....DO IT!....use whatever that is for you...and balance your life out............create...your...life. If you create a good life....secure and safe...with meaning and purpose...fullfillment....and a positive attitude...you are likely...to be happy. I wish this for everyone who reads this blog....I hope for it myself...and I choose to choose it...in my personal journey.

Namaste

A Final Thought for 2007...

In this last year we have seen so much...had so many differing experiences...that in some ways it is dizzying to me because of the variety and depth...

There has been such extreme negativity and such pain...and yet...in the last year...there has been such enormous prevailing hope and continuity of the human spirit...there has been such depth, courage, love, understanding, and guileless optimism...I find it difficult to find fault in where we are headed...even with plenty of blame to spread around...I see a bright future...although realistically I also see major changes in our near future collectively.

I have found in my own search a profound need to be centered on meaning. To find the things in my world and perception that need....NEED....my attention...my focus...my thought...my depth...

I have written about several of these subjects in this blog. I have focused on the things that have struck me as profound and I have spent my time and my energy on thoughts and assertions that I deemed worth my energy. Again I will state that this is a forum for my own thought and attempt at wisdom...or at the very least a desire for and search towards thought and understanding that will lead to growth.

I have been in the business of instruction, advising, and guidance....for many years now. I am at least fairly good at it...not as good as some...better than others....good days...bad days...and basically....from a profoundly fundamental standpoint...I am just passing on those things I know...or at least...seem to understand ...to stay in line with an earlier blog. But if you have been reading me...listening...paying attention....you will have noticed one foundational theme with my writing. I work from the position of optimism and positive perspective.

Even in questions of and conversations dealing with negativity...I still attempt to put a positive spin on my perspective...because quite frankly...I do not see...nor do I find...any worth or value...in negativism...skepticism...rhetoric...critique...for each of their own sakes...the only time each of these things even might find value...to my perception...is when it is used as a teaching tool...but these things being used as tools...MUST...have an underlying lesson...foundational idea...a message...a...meaning...because if there is no foundation...no message...no....meaning...then skepticism...rhetoric...critique...have no purpose...no real voice...and therefore are being presented as nothing more than antagonism...and this...is utterly useless. There is no lesson. There is no message. There is no meaning. It is truly...a waste of time.

Why...would any person...choose...to waste their time...in this fashion...is beyond my understanding. I choose not to. If I write something here...in this place...it is for a reason and a purpose...there is a message...and a meaning. Now there can certainly be debate in how useful, needed, or wanted these meanings and messages might be. I do not claim to be profound. I only assert that some of the things I have written have been profound to me. But in everything I have tried to get across...I have worked at placing a purpose at the heart of my intention. A meaning...and a reason.

I will continue to do so in the years to come.

Regardless of what debate might lead to...I am certain...within myself...that I am approaching everything I do in my life...with a reason...an intention...an assertion...and therefore a meaning. Even meaningless activities contain meaning for me at this point. I view even those seemingly mundane things previously viewed as purposeless activities, as purposeful in that I need to vent stress and often that can be done in activities that from the outside seem pointless.

But in everything...there is a point. In everything...there is a reason. I may not even understand what the reason is...because I am so far from omnipotent...it's a joke. But there is a reason. Even in those things that are most often viewed as tragic...one does not heal from them...or even accept them...until one can see the growth from it...and therefore put it into a positive light.

Those that are forever wounded by an event...and never heal...are like that because they can not accept...and can not reframe it into a positive in their own lives and perceptions. They just get stuck.

Therefore...there is no point in finding fault...there is no purpose in finding blame...there is no value...in searching for what is wrong....the only truly valuable thing there is ultimately...is in finding how to take something...and see the light in it...to find the good...to sift and search...and find that which is the lesson...and learn from it...so that one may heal...and move forward...and move on...

This...is my mission...and this...is my purpose.

May 2008 be even more awesome and carry with it more growth and depth than the year past. God bless you to every eye that reads these words and ear that hears the message.

A thought...

How is a thought tied to so much that we own and so much meaning that we take on? Is it that we are simply what we think? Are we that simple or is it deeper than simple reflection?

If we think about something it affects us...meaning how we feel. If we feel something then it will change our perception. Our behaviour is challenged and changed by what we feel as well as what we think. So if we think something then it can change how we feel as well as how we behave.

So...what we think...really...is who we are. If one simply concentrates on ideas and opinions....perceptions and points of view...we will begin to see who we are...because who we are is in what we think.

Unfortunately...most of us do not live by this understanding and are not careful with our thoughts. We allow negativity, suspicion, stress, frustration, resentment, and immaturity to rule our minds. The person that we hurt the most in doing this is ourselves. Can we truly be honest and respectful in our lives if we allow these negative and destructive paths to lead us?

I truly believe that we need to focus on the things that bring us to our joy.

The problem for many is...they do not even know what their joy...even is. So the question is...how do you discover your joy? If you already know what your joy is...then the quest is how do you participate in your joy? What will it take for you to be happy?

This is a good question because we quite often approach our lives with a get-me-by attitude. But searching for your joy and focusing on being happy are not easy things to do. Attaining the balance needed to be truly happy is a great deal of work and therefore not easy...but it is worth it...because ultimately...balance...is the best way to finding peace...and finding peace...inside oneself....finding balance...is about finding one's joy.