Renew and re-frame...

In a time flagged by stress, work, change, growing concern over safety, security, and general well being, and an overarching hyperactive intensive sense of swimming against an ever-increasing current...I get the sense that I am being bombarded with messages that are not congruent, not all accurate, and generally not leaving me feeling healthy in where I am in my life. For those that are English majors...that was a run on sentence...and I know it...and yes...I posted it anyway LOL.

Point is...I feel overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed. By what you ask?

By being financially in a great deal of trouble...almost 1/2 a million dollars of debt when counting in student loans, house debt, car debt, and credit accounts, by a growing feeling of being out of control because of both things I can control and things I can not control, by having children whose health I have worried about for 30 years now and still to this day worry about daily...and starting all over again with little ones, by a job that I feel stuck in because of not being able to pass one stupid test...and the serious state test I have to pass and the next attempt at it which will be coming soon, because of playing in 3 bands and making basically no money but having some stress relief because I am playing and performing...but it taking an incredible amount of time away from my family which I don't feel good about especially when it isn't giving back in a financial way...my own health which is not great and the series of "conditions" that keeps adding up in my list of unhealthy attributes...I am amazed at how high I function given what my list is and the stuff I do...

There is more but that is a lot of it...and yet...with all this and more...I still do what I do to try to be the best I can be every day...I work hard at being a good person...a good man...a good father and husband...and sometimes feel like a I'm a miserable failure at it all...but I still try...I want...WANT to be upbeat and positive...I try hard to look at the good and re-frame the negative into lessons to learn from and try to feel any forward motion that I can muster...to find the good...and choose that healthy perspective. I do try...verb...

So that I can go forward and find that sunset...that rainbow...that bit of dew on a leaf...the wave crashing to shore...the breeze on my face...and the song from a sparrow...the beauty of God's world and word to help me get out of this muck and mire...to breathe with fresh air and see with renewed eyes...and believe in the good and the helpful...to be healthy...and to be alive...truly alive. I am sick in a lot of ways (mostly between my ears)...but I live a good life with my family, music, marriage, and effort. So that I will not be miserable by being overwhelmed. That's tough...but that's the call.

We all have crap in our lives that we live with and stuff...issues that we need to deal with. It truly is what you choose to do to in any given situation that will determine where it takes you. There is a litany of possibilities that one can direct themselves to and it will be what and how one engages the circumstance they find themselves in as to what they will learn...what they will get out of it. You always have a choice...some sort of one...even if it isn't a preferable choice there is always "something" one can DO...to move one's self forward.

And so it is...and so will I.

In the current...keeping one's head above water.

I started this blog with an intention and a point.

The intention was to put what I believe and I think out there to the universe and share it with the world while inviting some discourse and sharing of ideas with anyone who cared.

The point was to teach lessons...from my perspective of course...and share what I could with any of you who may read this, as well as maybe learn something from anyone who cared to chime in. Turns out not very many wanted to chime in except for one...and that was fun...but I was kinda hoping for others to give input and teach as well as give opinions...thus the name of the blog.

I have not written in this blog for a good long time...I missed 2010 altogether LOL. There has been much in my life that has left me feeling very much the student rather than the teacher in the last year plus...and looking back...I think that is a poor excuse...albeit understandable.

I and my family have been through a great deal in the last year plus...which if you are interested in...I would invite you to read about in my other blog (link is to the right)...but suffice it to say last year we have had my son who is 27 currently go through a double lung transplant and two subsequent surgeries and in and out of the hospital more times than I can count, the birth of our youngest child (and my last) Elijah, a benefit concert that allowed me to meet, perform with, and spend a day with my favorite guitarist in the world Phil Keaggy, our daughter start kindergarten, me complete my hours for my license and test only to fail by 7 questions and have to wait 6 months to try again, and me getting back into playing music professionally in a big way...plus a whole lot more.

So I should have been blogging all along and I feel bad about not writing because I know writing helps...so I apologize for hiding out and turtling...but I am back now and I intend to get better at keeping both blogs up.

Today my son is attending college and much more healthy, my youngest son will be 6 months old in 2 days from now, and I am plunging back into study to retake my first test for my license, and I am playing in 2 bands and gigging again. Like always there is drama...my wife will likely lose her job this year because of budget cuts and we are going to take a big hit until she can find another job...but there is a part of that which I feel grateful for...it is hard...and it is scary...but I do have faith that God will show us the way and take care of us...help us to take care of ourselves...and hopefully take care of others while we are at it.

As far as this blog is concerned...consistently the most viewed lesson that I have written...or blog if you will...is one written about "meaning making machines". I get hits from that title from all over the world and I have to say the concept and idea comes from Landmark Forum which I attended many years ago. I used the information in my daily life and teach it to others through classrooms, groups, and individual and family counseling. Along with Systems Theory it is one of the more important concepts I have written about. I did want to address this though considering I didn't give credit where credit is due in the earlier blog...so I do this now.

My hope...is that with learning and growth, development and forward movement, we will all begin to be better to each other and ourselves. All in due time...

A question of choice

The least resistant path is what we often choose...and I am guilty of this as the next person...no high horse here LOL...but often this choice is to our detriment. Not always...but often...we find the path of least resistance...a one way street to something we didn't want...only we didn't know we didn't want it until it was too late...

I have so many experiences in my life that...with hindsight...I look back on and see clearly that I chose to go against my gut...against instinct...and paid a price for it...big or small...

I would think that after a time or two...I would learn to do the right thing....that being...listen to my gut...my instinct...because it does serve me well...and I am often right...but I also...often....don't listen.

I don't know if that instinct is God talking at me or if it is something else...all I do know...is that when I don't follow it...listen to it...I regret it...9 times outta 10.

So why is this such a hard concept to follow and do? If I have a gut feeling about something...why don't I just follow that instinct? It is very much like I don't trust myself. Me says...hmm....

I know all about building trust with others. I teach it and preach it...how to and when to and when not to...learning to trust ones self...though...this is more difficult...and I find...sometimes...I am too close to the situation to see things clearly.

Maybe it is because of all those past mistakes that I am hesitant...looking back on past failures to gauge my ability currently. This seems very inefficient to me and just simply...stupid. I mean....wouldn't it be better to look at past successes and accomplishments to judge myself against? Wouldn't it be more prudent to focus on those strengths and fix my gaze on what is right with what I have done? Wouldn't it be more efficient to concentrate on the step in front of me rather than on constantly going back to my past? I personally think the answer to all 3 questions is a resounding YES!

That is not to say that you should never look at past failures because one can learn from them, to know one's weaknesses so as to create a balance and a path of personal growth, or to examine our history in our lives as we go along our path to better keep the context of our lives in focus as well as the moment...these things are all important...but...success and failure are both teachable moments, opportunities for growth, and a chance to change something in us that is inadequate, dull, or otherwise lacking.

So I assert both perspectives are important...however...which is more important to our growth and further healthy development? In other words, what is more important to focus on? Are we to focus on the past, future, or remain in the present? Is the past a self-indulgent theme and pushes us to overcompensate? Is our future a rich tapestry of possibilities, none of which are real until we actually arrive at that moment? Is our present moment the only thing that truly matters because all that we are and all that we will ever truly be...is...in a moment of time?

As I watch my 4 year old daughter Sarah sleeping this afternoon on our couch...feeling hot with a fever from the flu and recovering from the beginnings of a pneumonia found day before yesterday...and looking like an angel...with Hawaiian music softly playing on the stereo...lulling her into sweet dreams of big mountains, soft breezes, and warm blue and turquoise waters teaming with life...native to all the world and filled with laughter and joy...I have my answer.

Listen first

I am a firm believer in only making threats that are fully intended on being kept. In other words if you are a person that could not use a weapon against another...even if you carried one...then you should never carry one.

If you are someone that is unsure if you could use a weapon against someone else...but you carry one anyway...you would have to make that decision in a split second as to whether or not it is actually possible for you...which is an unwise position to put oneself in.

If you are someone that is quite sure...given the circumstances...that this is very real and possible for you to do...then this is a reality for you and you have decided it to be so.

I believe that you should never pull a weapon on someone unless you fully intend on using it...or at least are ready to if need be.

It is interesting to me how people often do not consider consequences in their lives when it comes to their words and behaviors. Many times people will put themselves out there and at risk...in ways that they may not even realize that they are doing. Sometimes they put others at risk by their words and behaviors without understanding the risks involved.

Example...A child is told multiple times to stop a behavior in the home...they don't...and the result is they "accidentally" break something. Because of mom or dad's repeated warnings their reaction to the crash is emotional and swift. Why did you do that...what is wrong with you?

That last question is a statement as well as a question. The kid is saying to themselves....wrong with me? I didn't know anything was wrong with me....something must be wrong with me.

Did mom or dad mean to screw with their child's self esteem and self-definition? Of course not...but could they have anyway? Absolutely they could have.

Another example...husband and wife are not getting along and are arguing. Emotions escalate, both are emotionally reactive, and one threatens to leave or to divorce. Is the threat real or is it just a threat? Does it matter?

Yes...it matters a great deal. Again...I am a firm believer in not using threats unless they are a direct and firmly clear warning of an action....nothing less. So threatening to leave or divorce...as some misguided way of scaring or manipulating is just plain careless and really...not very smart. I do not believe it would get one what they really want.

Throwing those words out there should ONLY come if it is a firm fact and it is your intention to actually go through with it...otherwise you are being mean, vindictive, and manipulating. One other thing about this "threat" is it becomes meaningless if it is used uselessly so the partner would not know if it were real or just another manipulation. This is not something that a true "partner" would do.

If threatening people were a healthy thing to do there would be healthy positive consequences that would come from it. Most of the time however...threats are often a way to manipulate, bully, and basically be mean to people.

I personally think that the healthy thing to do in situations where I want to express something and I am emotional in the moment...is to make an informational comment that is not slanted in a threatening manner and then excuse myself until I am calm and rational. I have not always been in this space...there was a time in my life when I was less mature about these situations...but nowadays...I make a real effort to keep my emotional reactions in check so that I can think my way through moments where my emotions rule. It isn't easy...and no one is perfect...but I believe if a person is putting in the effort...then anything can be accomplished.

Maybe the key is to focus on what is healthy instead of being right. I mean we can all fight to the death to try to get someone else to see how right we are and how valuable our opinion and our point is....but it only makes the other person defensive and angry...and they won't listen to us or find what we are saying valuable....so what is the point really?

If you want to be heard...cramming your point down someone else's throat is a sure way to not getting listened to...it's pretty much a guarantee. If you want to be heard...then I would suggest you try to hear the other person first...it usually goes much better that way. It took me until the last several years until I learned this...but in my experience listening first is the better route to go.

Modern Day...

I've found the world of blogging to be fun and interesting...playful and compelling...seriously opinionated and ultimately a healthy way to interact and express with the world...even if not completely intimately...at least...it is honestly...and for me...and for those I enjoy reading the most...it is release...and a way to share yourself.

What I think I find the most interesting is the disconnect. It is a virtual world surrounded by long distance relationships and people that we are connected to...but at the same time disconnected with...and by being physically disconnected...there is an intimacy about it that previously was only known by letter writing...which was mutually time consuming and exciting. The time spent waiting for that letter...that response...was invigorating and aggravating...suspense laden...and thrilling. There was an essence of that wait that we have obviously lost...and I am not wholeheartedly happy about that loss...a piece of me feels less for the absence of that wait. I am not saying I regret having Email, instant messaging, and the Internet...but I am saying, as I have said before, everything has a cost...and sometimes that cost is difficult to register until one steps back and looks at the big picture.

So there is a physical disconnect in our communication as well as a bridge to bring us back together. I sit here writing this blog and thinking about this disconnect...and the bridge that leads me back to you reading this...and considering the possibility that even though we have lost that wait...and that anticipation for that letter or telegraph...that the gains somehow improve our lives more than the loss of the wait.

News...now...is immediate. Realism is king and seeing what is going on around the world is currently possible. We have now watched war being waged in real time...multiple times. Recently the president mentioned the arrest of a prominent figure (Henry Louis Gates) of a major university (Harvard) trying to get into his own house through his own front door after returning from vacation...and arrested on his own porch...for getting upset because the police were giving him a hard time...about getting into his own house. I don't know what the man said...or exactly how he acted...towards the police officers...but it does make sense to me that it would piss the guy off...if I put myself in his place...it would be upsetting to me as well. Of course this is even putting the race issue at the side. But in the insanity of the blitz of information and the speed that it flows I see something healthy, as well as something very unhealthy mixing in with this.

Communication is our greatest tool and with the weight of the responsibility that it bears we need to ensure and use our freedom of speech tempered with the accountability of our message. But because we write this and then hit a button and fire it off...there is very little rumination of information. So we need to be careful of looking at what we produce and keeping it worthy of our time...and the time of others. Scrutinize what you put out there and we will all feel better about it...and I will try to do the same.

All in all I guess the ability to get a thought out there instantly is a good thing...as long as there is responsibility that comes along with it.

Bittersweet

In the last several months...I have continually been reminded how fragile our lives are and how close to the brink of serious disaster at worst...and serious change...at best...we all are...at every given moment.

I guess this kind of started with the Sandra Cantu disappearance and murder last March...the little 8 year old girl in Tracy California who was abducted, molested, murdered, and stuffed into a suitcase and left in an agricultural drainage ditch where she was found by farm workers...the accused murderer is a female Sunday school teacher.

After having no traffic tickets in like 20 years or whatever I get two in one week...and a couple weeks after that go to the court house to pay my fines and hit this insane media frenzy surrounding the Cantu case and then actually watch the Cantu family enter the courthouse close up and personal. I wrote about it in my other blog here if you'd like to read that...
http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2009/04/surreal.html

So that is where I begin in this because it was surreal to me and actually had a fairly large and negative impact on me. I got...for just a few short moments directly...and overall maybe an hour total indirectly...very close to the flame and I felt the heat...of our press and the limelight of horrific and negative change...

That family...just weeks before that day...had no idea that this would be their life. A horrible act and event happened...and it acts as a pivot...and their lives go in a completely and wholly different direction.

Sometimes...this happens and the pivot is not horrible or evil. Sometimes...as when we start a new job or finish our education or start a business...maybe even win the lottery...whew wouldn't that be cool?!?....we have a pivotal moment and our lives are never again the same but it is a good thing.

Some times...and I dare say more often...the pivot is bittersweet. There is good and bad mixed in to the event and/or outcome of the event which we deal with. But our lives are changed just the same.

I am dealing with such pivotal change in my life currently and it is bittersweet. My daughter Harmony...was married yesterday and she spent her last night in her room under our roof...night before last. She said goodbye last night. Now...this is a cause of celebration and my wife and I are both very happy for her...it's an awesome thing...but it is hard for us to see her go...bittersweet...and Sarah...our 3 year old daughter is missing her sissy...even though she now has her own room all to herself...but she is by herself now too.

My son...is having Dr's at Stanford talk to him about a double lung transplant...within the next few months...and that means it could extend his life between 5-10 years and most of that first 5 years would be with a much different quality of life for him...no more treatments and oxygen tanks...and likely no hospital stays...unless he gets sick...in which case a common cold could kill him...because he will be on 25 medications that are trying to keep his body from rejecting the organs but also completely decimating his immune system. He says that he wants to climb Half-Dome in Yosemite and if he gets through the surgery and gets through the first year of healing....he could do that.

Bittersweet

Change is one of the few constants that we have and can count on. Sometimes...the change is wonderful...and sometimes it is horrible...but more often...as with so much in life...the reality is somewhere in the middle. So to me...it seems that the subject returns to creating a balance. When something is bittersweet there is quite a bit to be able to take from it and learn...which is one of the best parts...but there is a cost to it as well. All things have a cost...even those things that give the appearance as being free...all things have a cost.

I think that the cost of a thing sometimes...oftentimes...holds more meaning than we may realize at the time...and often we pay a cost without having thought out what that cost will entail and thereby sometimes...leaving us unprepared for paying that cost. But pay we must...for in all things there is a balance.

For me...the issue becomes one of awareness and preparation...but it is almost impossible to prepare one's self...to prepare for some things...so even in this it is difficult. But to try to be prepared for it and to try to be ready...which I often fail miserably at...I still try though...but the purpose is in the effort and not necessarily in the outcome...or said another way...it is the journey and not the destination...that is important and the point.

But even in this...it is bittersweet...

Moments in the meantime...

Moments in the meantime...

Have you ever noticed how living your life keeps getting caught up in the minutia of the moments...and how even when you are totally into a thing...life is going on around you and your focus...while needed and desired in that moment...seems trivial and incomplete when you step back and take a look at that moment with some fresh eyes and a different perspective?

I listened to someone speak today about their experience...and as they were processing their feelings and the aftermath of their moment...I found myself comparing...measuring...relating...and trying to solve a puzzle with them about their experience while at the same time trying to see how I fit into the same issues and conversation...how would I be if compared by the same measurement and how would I feel if facing the same circumstances? Would I have done the same as this individual given the same circumstances or would I have made a different choice...and if so...why? Along with why...how would that have impacted me differently?

I saw a piece of what this event did to or for them...I guess it depends on how one looks at it...their uncertainty...their questioning of themselves...the guilt...and worry. I understand the fear. I get how something like the mistake they apparently made...out of a very positive intention....but none the less a mistake...made them feel like they let others down and possibly put people and organizations in jeopardy. So what does it all mean?

It doesn't really mean anything. It can mean everything. Depending on how a person views it...it might be nothing or it could be everything and there is only one person that can make a difference like that. How do I view it and what does it mean to me? Well...what do I want it to mean to me? How does this make me look in others eyes? Will people see me the way I want them to or will they look at this as a reason to view me negatively? Could this actually underline what I already believe? Is this proof?

In the meantime...while all the questions...all the self-examination...all the doubt...life is carrying on....and these moments...travel on in the meantime. What does it all mean?

You decide...

Truth...an interesting point.

So....this week...I really pissed someone off. I didn't exactly mean to...it's...at times...just the nature of what I do and the way I do it. See...in a way...I tell the truth to people for a living. I make great efforts to do this with understanding, empathy, diplomacy, and caring. Generally this is taken well by people even if it is not what someone wants to hear...and this is often the case. But most of the time, people in general, appreciate hearing a truth. It gives the opportunity for personal growth.

However, there are times where I feel I have to tell someone something that they need to hear...but yet they are just simply not ready for receiving the information. At times, such as this situation above, there is often an emotional reaction, emotional reactivity, and my role in the drama is being the instigator. I am not particularly excited with having to implement this role...but I can take it on when I need to. Confrontation isn't my natural state however I am more than comfortable with confrontation when the time calls for it. My experience has been that most people do not like confrontation...but when confronted with a truth...they are open to seeing a different path...at least to some degree. From there it is all just about planting seeds.

Now...I have used the term truth several times here...and have written about this in the past so I would invite the reader to check out another of my blogs from the past in dealing with truth.

http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/momentstruthand-being-in-now.html

This of course does not cover the subject and is incomplete so I will first and foremost freely make this admission. What is written in this past blog holds the core of what I am describing above, however it is quite incomplete.

A truth is as one sees it and is a matter of personal perception. With that said I will also say that there does exist some universal truth within the context of our individual lives as well as collectively, and while valid philosophical arguments can be made against this, the reality of perception connects most of us to a gathering of information and agreement.

A flame is hot. Ice is cold. The sun describes day. The moon describes night. Yes...it is our five senses that provide us with this information and can not therefore be fully trusted...so holding a burning ember in your bare hand for 5 minutes...take a nice 5 mile stroll walking in snow in January with bare feet...dipping your bare feet in boiling oil....hmm?...You don't want to? Could it possibly be that you know better? Fear getting injured? This would be a justified fear. That this would be a justified fear...is a truth. A truth because of the likelihood of the injury. While the argument of a philosopher is an interesting theoretical exercise...any rational person would doubt the mental stability of anyone actually trying these exercises. Truth.

These examples are simplistic and even juvenile yet they are examples of basic agreements that we have all come to hold as truths. Even the most cynical and ardent philosophers abide by these same evident truths in their daily existence while railing against the idea of such a thing intellectually and academically. The exercise of thought. The concept of time is just as universal. The proof is in the behaviors of the cynic. While fighting tooth and nail against the very idea of time being a truth to us collectively...the truth actually is...that academic is there at work at 8:00 AM to teach his/her class or he/she is not paying their mortgage that month. The argument is simply an exercise in intellectual thought...but not in practice. Not in behavior. Not real. But interesting nonetheless.

So truth...is quite an interesting concept...and yet I believe truth has shades of gray itself. Are there absolute truths? I personally believe that there is very little in our lives that is black and white. Most of life is a shade of gray. However I do believe that absolutes do exist...albeit in very short supply. But it isn't in the extremes that I want to linger. I think the more interesting conversation is in the battleground of the agreed upon truths. Those not out on the fringe but the more debatable, yet still strongly held opinions, which can lead to healthy debate and personal growth. One of these subjects, to me, is respect. I have written about this in the past. Again I invite the reader to this past blog.

http://thethoughtlounge.blogspot.com/2007/06/respect.html

My explanation of respect always includes self-respect...and it was in this conversation that I angered someone earlier this week. It is interesting to me that the same words can have such diverse affects on different people. With one person it caused a flash of anger and they burst from their seat and out of the room and building. They...were...done! LOL.

Another person cried, laughed, and asked for a hug. It is interesting that people are so individual in their growth, thoughts, and ideas...as well as reactions...to the same information. Does it make the information less true because one person could hear it and one person could not? I do not believe it changes the truth of the assertion...I do believe it speaks to an individual's ability to hear the truth or to accept a truth. But it doesn't necessarily make that truth less of a truth.

A common assertion regarding respect...is...I will respect you if you respect me first...but if you are gonna disrespect me...I am going to disrespect you back. This is very common and I have two names for this mentality.

The first is "the warrior's mentality". It is and has been the mentality of warriors...the people who war with each other...as in real war. This point of view was developed through survival and therefore is valid within the framework of violence. For as long as human beings have registered their history and I am sure beyond...this mentality has existed and in those areas prone to violence as a way of life, it will most likely and unfortunately continue to exist. It is protectionism and defense. Purely survival. While it is understandable how it came into existence...it is also understandable how useless it is when analyzing an individual's personal growth. This attitude suppresses an individual's ability to truly grow. It is about power and control. It is about physical strength...with no intellect, understanding, or empathy.

The second name is "a pen mentality". Pen as in penitentiary. This is the way that human beings treat each other in prison. This same population considers themselves as soldiers and so the core of this mentality is the same. That same mentality filters out into the street through thugs and gangs...billy bad asses and alcoholic individuals unable to get their life's struggles under control...immaturity and the sheep mentality when individual's do not value themselves more than simply fitting in with a crowd...as well as some of the mentally ill. There are more categories of course...I am simplifying for the purposes of this post...but there are more.

Suffice it to say...this is all without self-respect as I have described it in the above mentioned blog.

Respect is earned. But self-respect is earned and hard fought for as well. Someone who acts under the definitions above...who is living in our society and not in a hot...forward area...defending our country...does not and should not be living with a warrior's or a pen mentality. It is simply not necessary and more so it is harmful to the individual as well as our communities for each of us to allow ourselves to reduce ourselves to these poor ways of being in the world. It is absolutely a reduction as a human being to view our world like this because it justifies inhuman behavior. Behavior that is illegal, immoral, undignified, corrupt, and disrespectful.

It takes more guts...more bravery...more courage...to hold your personal integrity intact and retain your self-respect by not allowing yourself to be degraded and reducing your belief and behavior to actions brought on by these faulty belief systems. We should instead rise above petty immature and inane feuding and treat each other the way we should be treating each other...with dignity and respect. It takes more to be more. It does not take much to revel in degradation. This attitude and belief is shallow and unfulfilling. One will never be their full potential as a human being by embracing violence and pride. I guess it comes down to what one wants in their life...and if one does not care for ones self...one will hurt others...and thereby themselves...because they will be ignorant of being any better.

I do find it interesting that so many of us can be so truncated in our own ability to develop. Of course I am not above the warriors or pen mentality. I lived a good portion of my life from the same direction and therefore I am not speaking from some lofty perch. However...I learned to do better...and learned to live better...and learned to believe in a better way. Truth.

I guess part of things is just about maturity. For in my younger years when I was a scrapper and came from the same mentality...I saw, said, and did things that I would never do in the same way now. Truth.

Interesting how truth works...
Truth.

Healing...

It is good to see a new year come and we can begin again, entering a fresh calendar and new beginnings. There is a feeling of excitement in the new and a sense of anticipation. Of course it is also a bit of folly because the only thing that has really happened is we have crossed over a threshold of a calendar which is simply a perception. But the perception of time in a calendar can be as real as one will make it...so I will take the road to the new and go with the flow, celebrating it's possibilities.

I consistently find as I walk along my path in this life that I am choosing to view things as positive whenever I can manage to justify it in my own mind. Not that there isn't the negative out there...there is plenty of bad to go around. But I gotta tell ya, I personally, feel better as I try to search for the positive in whatever it is. I find this more healing...more cathartic...for me.

Sometimes that is really difficult because there is a part of me that feeds on catastrophizing a situation or an event. I kinda grew up with that perception around me. My mom told me once that she expects the worst, and then if it doesn't happen, she is relieved and if it does, she is not surprised or disappointed. Not to point fingers or anything...we are all allowed our own way of looking at life, but every cell in me hears that and my response is...yuck. I do not want to expect the worst. I do not want to be disappointed either, don't get me wrong, but I would rather focus on hope and expect the best...the positive...and work towards making even a cruddy situation positive.

One of my clinical supervisors, as I was going through my training for being a marriage and family therapist once told me, "even in the worst stories, experiences, and situations...you will know the client has turned a corner towards permanent healing once they view their horrible situation as positive. That is the only point that they will be able to get past it".

So the idea is that even if a person has been exposed to being hurt, attacked, maimed, raped, watched someone else killed, or almost died themselves, they need to get to a point in their perception...their view of their own experience...that will speak to them as the outcome of that experience as being positive.

Now...it is completely understandable if you read that statement and say to yourself there is no way I could be maimed or raped or watched someone die and see it as positive. That might be a perfectly normal reaction and it even might be a reaction shared by the majority of people reading this, however...if you want to heal from the wound...you need to get to the point...with time and a lot of effort...that will lead you to a place which will allow you to see that good has come from whatever it is that happened to you.

Why would you have been made better by going through something horrible? Well...usually all the pain experienced, that hurts and leaves us wondering why...will lead us to new realizations and learning experiences...and sometimes even to safer and healthier places in life. Not always will it make one healthier...in a physical sense...but very often that is an added benefit. The point is, the experiences have a benefit, even though they were traumatic to go through. It is at that point that one can make the transition from being a victim of the experience...to being proactive and moving forward in their own life...taking charge...in a healthy way.

We watched 20/20 last night and saw the story of a 16 year old girl who 6 years ago at the age of 10 was left in charge of her 3 year old sister, in a trailer, while mom went off to a casino to gamble. While left alone, two teenagers come to the trailer, gained entry, and stabbed her and her sister. The 3 year old died and the 10 year old almost died. She was stabbed repeatedly and left in a wheel chair. It was a horrific scene and one that on so many levels should never have happened. The teenagers, a brother (19) and a sister (16) were caught and convicted. They had a problem with the children's mother because of a drug deal gone bad.

Today the survivor is 16 years old, going to high school, is a popular, smart, cute teenager, full of life and energetic, looking at her future with eyes wide open, having just been adopted by her foster family. She is an athlete and is participating in track and field events in her wheel chair. She is living her life...not just existing in it...not just surviving it. She is happy. She is healthy. This survivor...this young girl... said that she wasn't angry. She was actually thankful that this had happened to her. "How?!?" you might ask? She said that before the attack her life was horrible. Now her life is wonderful. She has a real family, real support, and a real future. She also has money ($5 million) because the trailer park was owned by a casino and provided no security. The money in no way makes up for the fact that this young girl no longer has use of half her body and that her sister died.

But she is in a place today that is a place of healing. A place of going forward into a future that will be bright. She is not a victim...she truly is a survivor...in every sense of the word. The reality of her current life is because of her healing and her attitude. It would be fairly easy for her to get stuck in the why me cycle. She is choosing to go forward in her life, which means she needs to look at the gifts she has received once the physical wounds have healed. Sometimes situations are not as clear as this young lady's example, but the point is there will always be something positive to take from whatever the damage is...sometimes it takes us awhile to find it or see the lesson, but it will show itself, and it is our job to be open and receptive to hearing the lesson...to learning.

Which brings me full circle. By being open to learning and receptive to a positive attitude, one can find a way through the brambles and thorns of life's painful paths to see that no matter how hard or bad things might seem, there are lessons to learn and things to be thankful for. Your life is whatever you make it and looking for excuses as to why you aren't or shouldn't be or can't...which is a word I personally hate....HATE...can't....is self-defeating.

Which is why I will always do my personal best, to try to look at the positive perception, because it is the right thing for me...and I would hope...is the right thing for you as well. Just about anything...is possible, if you believe.

A Time For A Change

This is quite a time we live in. Extraordinary and exciting, dangerous and scary, full of promise for the future and the making of historic moments, we are living in a time that will be studied by future generations. Our decisions are important and significant because they change us as a society, which will change our future path and the direction of future generations.

We are altering our own normality which in my opinion is vital and important. We NEED to do this because we NEED to grow and that growth will strengthen our children, grandchildren, and beyond. It is exciting because this is how we as humans progress. It is also scary because we cannot predict what certain changes will mean and we need to be careful with the changes we make. I will offer some examples.

As the industrial revolution took hold of this country, we slowly moved towards production capabilities never known to human beings in the history of the world. As we grew and continued to create, invent, and establish new forms of production of material goods and services we started to grow our thinking and understanding of how certain things work.

We created steam engines which powered trains and ships which led to greater migration patterns and distribution of goods bought and sold. This was a great advance. One unintended consequence of this was also the spread of certain diseases, to people who had no natural immunity built up because that particular virus or bacteria has never before been introduced to them, as well as birds, bugs, animals, and rodents to places not known to them prior, which in turn changes those new environments.

We eventually created a combustion engine which led to the creation of vehicles which allow for personal transportation and transportation on a smaller scale. This also and at approximately the same time allowed for larger types of transportation as well in the forms of trucks, buses, ships, and eventually even aircraft for distribution of goods and transportation of people for personal reasons, economic reasons, production reasons, as well as military reasons.

These same advances brought about change that strengthened our economy, military, global positioning, and industry as well as our personal lives and opportunities. These engines also run in factories, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, motorcycles, street sweepers, generators, and on and on. They have made our day to day lives extraordinary and much easier, full of new possibilities.

But they of course have a negative consequence as well. They have a byproduct that is extremely unhealthy for our bodies and for the environment. CO2. This gas that these engines produce and omit has the effect of killing us if we breathe too much of it directly. This gas has the same effect on us if we put too much of it in our atmosphere. I believe it is atmosphere and not stratosphere. Point being the more we pump into our air the closer we come to changing our planet in a way that is going to have an effect on our physical lives both personal and professional, and on our future.

We have altered the planet by our collective behavior over the last 100 to 150 years in such a way that could mean significant changes to what we know and the way we know it when it comes to our lives and geography. I say could because we can still change some of our behaviors and alter some of our current ways so that we do not end up destroying ourselves.

Of course combustion engines are not the only way we add this and other gasses to our environment that have an effect on our global environment...they just happen to be one of the largest ways. Another would be cattle and the methane they produce. The number of cows has grown exponentially globally because of the market for them which is a byproduct of the equal explosion of global human population, but the cattle we breed globally produce a great amount of methane which contributes to this same problem.

If you happen to be one of those who does not believe in global warming or the trends that scientists are predicting because of it, I would simply refer to the above example of breathing the output of just one combustion engine and the deadly health risks doing such a thing represents. While our atmosphere can absorb some of these gasses, one must admit there has to be a limit to how much and for how long it can take prolonged exposure, it only makes sense there will be a limit and at some point the balance will turn to the negative. This is reasonable and to ignore the point of diminishing return is at the least costly and at the most naive.

Of course a discussion of development and change would not be complete without at least a mention of the weapons that we have developed and created. The potential for destroying ourselves several times over has existed for decades now and the threat is very real. With irresponsible leaders of the world taking power and gaining these weapons, how will this play out? Again...a very interesting time to be living in and a part of.

We have recently elected a new president, which was both historic because of his racial background, as well as significant because of the mix of financial issues, other domestic issues, and foreign policy issues, not to mention two active wars we are fighting...and I am increasingly amused and find curious the reactions I have came across since this has happened. Some people are elated and some are very scared. Those filled with fear sometimes will quote comments made by the political right to base those fears on...fair enough...that is their belief system at work...and others can't articulate their reasons for the fear...they are just...scared.

About a year and a half ago I read both of the president-elects books. I started telling the people in my groups that I was running at the time that this guy has the skills, background, education, and experience necessary to bring people together...he has already built a long history of bringing people together and has been doing this for 20 plus years...since before he was the president of Harvard's Law Review...he is someone...if anyone can...that has the potential to bring the people of this country together...has the potential to bring world leaders together...except maybe those that can not see past the color of his skin...and if he could make it through the press and political gauntlet...that I would vote for him because of the man...not the party...I am registered with one party but frankly...I do not vote party...any party...I vote people...I do not vote for people I don't like or believe in...personally...that's just me...

The choice has been made by this country and now it is up to the man to follow through and do what is needed. Whether or not you voted for him...he is now our president as Americans. Whether or not you are elated or scared...this is a time of change and change itself is scary. He is human so is bound to make some mistakes...but he is cognizant of what our history is...and what we need to do domestically and globally. My hope and prayer...is that this change will be a change for the better for now and leave a footprint for a better change for our future. Only time will tell. But if we can come together and unite...as a people...as a country...we are much more likely to remain the strong world leader that we have come to be...and that is really the goal isn't it?

My Goal...

Have you ever wondered if you make a difference? I mean we all make some difference just by living our lives and being around...that whole systems theory thing...everything has an affect and effect on everything else...the It's A Wonderful Life thing...the ripples in a pond theory...



I mean really...truly....strongly...passionately...tenaciously...make a difference to people...someone...do you create a lasting and reverberating impact?



Who has made a lasting impact on you?



Many people have greatly impacted me through the course of my life. My father was my hero...and in many ways still is. He was an excellent example of how to be a man, father, provider, husband. Of course he had his flaws...he was very much the authoritarian and had very strict boundaries and a quick and hot temper. There were many times I remember being scared and feeling like I did not want to let him down. But he was a hard worker and that included working to be a good father.



I am now older than he lived to be. He was 39 when he passed in a car accident on his way home. One mistake...one bad choice...and it was all over...his story...his life...my mentor.



I am forever amazed at how hard he worked and at how much time he made for my brother and I. He was accomplished in several things and always found time for us. He was always busy...but always there for us. It will forever amaze me when I see people reaching for lofty goals such as people becoming a good spouse or a good parent, and then achieving it.


I still marvel at the way some people are able to be so together in their lives. Even on a good day I find myself tracking less than I desire for myself to be as a parent, as a husband, as a professional, as an individual. Infinitely human and vulnerable to human frailties. I am strong...I am not weak...but I am human.


So with looking at my mentor...and other mentors I have had in my life...I then ask myself...am I leaving a legacy of impacting...truly impacting others? I sure hope so. I am trying. I know sometimes...I fall shy of my goal...but I sure hope when everything is said and done...that I can look back and feel good about the trail I have left behind.


I hope that whatever good I am as an example to others in my life...great or small...I can improve and grow the good...grow the impact...reach for greater heights. I pray that someday...I have made a difference...for someone...somewhere...for the greater good.


Make the world a better place...to live and love in...and maybe...just maybe...our children will pick up that torch...and carry it forward to the next generation...and the world will be a better place....for us having been in it for awhile...

Things that made me go Hmm...

In reponse to a comment left on the last post...

*gibberish blather...
*wannabe writer...
*doubt about personal integrity...

Hmm...

Methinks it is not my personal integrity at question here...I said I disagreed with your arguments...I didn't call you names...I could…but I don’t…I don’t even want to…I’m not sure why you do…

I have made a recorded history of expressing opinion that is strong and strongly expressed, but balanced… I also backed off of this “discourse” earlier because of this type of behavior…if disparaging this writer is the best that you can think to do in your intellectual arguments when presenting your views, then I do understand the psychology of whom I am dealing with and I have no desire to engage. If you would like to continue this conversation, I need to deal with an adult.

Personal assaults are abusive and really show a lack of ability…they do not forward your arguments…they degrade your points of view that you are attempting to make. They are harmful…and unfortunate. I would suggest writing your responses, if you decide to continue, with less emotion and more rationale. Just a suggestion if you really have a desire in challenging my thought process.

*I will argue that a majority of United States citizens no longer can agree on a clear definition of what freedom means...

I would argue that this has been a problem since the inception of the country. Do I believe in uprooting indigenous peoples? How about enslaving other people from a whole different continent? We fought a civil war based on the difference in definition of freedom. We are still fighting political wars over the definition of freedom. Abortion, gay marriage, executions, drug use, smoking, toking, stroking, in God we trust, taxation, unfettered capitalism, prayer in schools, on and on…we don’t agree on the fine points. No...I think the definition of what our freedom means and how far it extends has been an age old question since, as I said before…our country’s inception…but that doesn’t mean that everything I have already asserted isn’t accurate, correct, or “right”.

You have also quoted several things I have written but have taken them completely out of context to suit your purpose much like we consistently watch media and political parties do…and while I can understand how one might develop a cynical approach to the things I have written…the dysfunctions of some of the members of our society are an unfortunate but realistic part of our society…but not the entire society as a whole…and while I stand by my past assertions to the degrading pieces of this society…mine is more of a call to recognition in order to change what is there as opposed to hiding from it and acting as if it is not there…a call to change if you will…and yes…meaning must be a large part of it. Apparently we disagree on this point…this fine point…but I stand by what I have written and believe it, and here in America...we can agree to disagree.

*Yet, they are clearly equally divided into two groups arguing about what is not freedom.

I would argue that there are many more than simply two groups…even if you are talking political systems there may be two major parties…but last time I checked the two major financially backed candidates are not the only people, based on organized political parties that are running for president. We are fractured by groups of differentiating thought. There are always several out there who are representing those that fundamentally disagree with either of the two major parties. But that still doesn’t attack the heart of what I asserted. We collectively believe in freedom…and we spread that idea around the world…and to those that are of a closed mind…the idea of freedom is dangerous.

*Do you share in the same freedoms as your Father? I suggest looking for the resources that reflect what your senses are telling you. Something contrary to a habitual practice of digesting the interpretations of the talking heads, religious leadership or politicians.

My father was born into a different country, Spain, into a civil war being perpetrated by a ruthless dictator who murdered large amounts of people, and into an economy that was far behind where we are even today. My father ran from there as a teen and many years later eventually landed here in this land. My perspective is different and my reasoning sound. Where my ideas and thinking come from are not based on CNN, MSNBC, or FOX. While I do agree that one’s senses are how one creates understanding and therefore a perspective…I think maybe your assumptions about others should not be so narrow as to think that everyone comes from the same background or perspective…or be so braindead as to not think for themselves...but all that still does not shake my point in that “patriotic proclamation” as you coined it, which I gotta admit…I kinda like. Thanks for the kudo.

This nation believes in freedom…and we should. Defining things is also something I have written about in the past. It is vitally important…but even in the defining of a thing there will be divisive controversy. This is human nature.

I would also like to challenge the challenger here. Mine is an opinion created from observation and self-exploration. Observing what my fellow Americans have done and are doing…and what I have seen as important to my own path. I am not simply espousing or regurgitating someone else’s rhetoric. I simply…wrote what I believe. I would however suggest that your challenges are brought forward by simple rule of philosophical thought, challenge, and contradiction and therefore are simply a rote reaction to an idea expressed. Not even because you believe differently. Questioning a statement for the sake of the question and not in where it will go…it is the movement rather than the importance…you are actually strengthening the point I made in We the People…LOL…because it is our freedom here in this great country that allows me to speak my observations, and allows you to challenge them…

*The fact is, as I said at the beginning of our discussion, that the wannabe writer does not have a need for knowledge of the truth about what is right or good.

This is not a fact. In essence you are making a judgment of me here…and once again the assertion is personal rather than philosophical…but even if you take the personal out of it…a need for knowledge of truth of what is right and good….sounds like the sentiment of the religious right…asserting your idea of what is right upon me…without the option for alternative. Isn’t this exactly what you accuse me of doing?

For shame LOL…come on dude…

Tiptoeing through the tulips...

A Dickens reference? Really? Uh....OK....

First…I want to say…I appreciate your answering my writing with your thoughts and appreciate you putting what you think out there…and I appreciate your reading my writing as well. Thank you. I don’t have many readers and have even less that will step up…so I do appreciate someone sharing…

As far as responding to what you wrote…

Your first paragraph was simply hard to understand…only thing I really got out of it was that you think I am supposed to be doing something other than expressing my opinion on my own blog. This is incorrect and an assumption on your part. The whole purpose for me to write here is to say something that I think and believe…not to prove anything to anyone…it isn’t even to please or displease…just simply to express thought…this is an expression and if you disagree with my assertion…welp…I am OK with that…in fact…I am quite open to that…but I would appreciate the opposing assertion at least stay in context with what I was talking about…

Most of the rest of what you wrote seemed to be efforts to somehow argue a few of the points I made through my piece…and frankly…the arguing against us having a society that believes in freedom….even though freedom is basically an illusion…a point I have made and referred to in other previous blogs…does not make sense to me.

I personally think this is not a logical argument given the constitution, the declaration of independence, and even in a more recent example…what was expressed and acted upon after the events of 911…from people across this country…

I make the point that our society believes in freedom…not that we are actually free in every way, shape, and form…and honestly…I believe I was pretty clear in my assertions…I made several of them and after rereading what I wrote…I still feel good about it and stand by it. It is in the belief…the very idea…of freedom that we hold our strength and our collective power resides.

As far as your offer of insight for the future…I am not sure what it is that you are referencing because the quotes that you are obviously using from different sources around the Internet are not making a clear and cohesive point in context to what I was writing about or saying. Don’t get me wrong…I am not trying to blow off anyone…but frankly I don’t follow your reasoning or logic in reference to what I wrote and what I was trying to say…you are arguing a point…I get that…but your point is lost to me in part because it strays from the context of the conversation…

Are you arguing that Americans do not believe in freedom? Really? Is that your assertion?

If that is your assertion then I would highly disagree with you. If that is not what you were trying to say then forgive me…because see…that was the point of the piece I wrote…that and the moral of the story being that we “should” believe in freedom and we “should” be working hard to spread that word, belief, and idea around the world. Referring to Saddam Hussein regarding helping his people is like referring to Adolph Hitler helping German Jews by starting the VW company. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

I do not see how Saddam Hussein relates to what organizations like the Peace Corps, an organization who helps people around the world and are manned by Americans and was started by Americans and came forward as an idea and assertion from Americans, and other organizations that Americans help out in like Green Peace, and UNICEF have to do with your reference.

See…this is what I was saying about rhetoric a year ago…when I am writing…I am trying to make a point with my point…it is not about winning to me…it is not about simplistic inconsequential competition. There must be a meaning to the point…otherwise it is superficial and insignificant. It has to mean something to have an impact that is lasting. The power in words is in the ideas and beliefs behind them…it’s not in the strategic manipulation of gaining but in their ability to transform…and in transformation there is lasting meaning and true power…anything else is just…wind…

Namaste
Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer…

Just for kicks...



Thought you might get a kick outta this too LOL...This is an example of talking...but just not saying anything \;') blowing wind LOL...
Even Katie Courick is going....uh...what?!?

Enjoy


Watch CBS Videos Online

We the people...

We the people...

We the people is a powerful phrase in this here land...it actually means something in this great society. I for one am glad to have it as part of my life, knowledge, history, and example. With a loud and boisterous upraised voice...we the people have the ability to speak. We the people have the ability to be heard. No matter what our message might be...because sometimes it truly is of the greatest importance...and sometimes it is trivial and trite...but here...in this wonderful land...we the people means something...and we have a collective voice...that can be heard.

I truly love this country. Our foundation certainly had a rocky start and at times...it's true...our government and leaders made choices that have been harmful...but all in all...I think...personally...we are in the middle of the most amazing society and land in the history of mankind.

Which....I recognize....is really saying something because there have been several amazing societies before us...Greeks, Romans, Persians, Egyptians, Chinese to name a few...there are certainly other amazing societies alive and around us now...but never before has there been such a mix...such a freedom...such opportunity...as the society we have created here. It makes me very proud...and glad...to have my children live and learn here...to be in this mix...to be a part of it...

We have problems too...don't get me wrong...I recognize this as well...serious problems as of late...things that we desperately need to address and work on...many problems of many types...problems that make many of us...feel overwhelmed...and angry...because we haven't worked out the solutions yet...but we are truly human...and no society or government...no body of people...no....body....is perfect...or is gonna be...so...we will continue to do our best...despite our weaknesses...

We the people of this great land have compassion...we have empathy...we the people care...we the people reach out to try to help...to build community here at home and around the world...to share what we have come to know...

We the people of this great land serve as an example...of what people around the world should be...as an example of how we should be doing....how we should be being...as human beings...as global partners and neighbors...for every negative thing that an American company or government has done...there are equal positive examples of what we the people have done around the globe to help and hold up in support...to exemplify and cheer...to comfort and heal...to fight injustices and wrongs...to try to do right by....people...other people...that are in need of help...

We the people of this great land have a capacity that no other land could have...because we all know we are in this fight for survival together...there is a unity that underlies those stars and stripes...there is a cohesion that no terrorist will ever be able to sever. Because this country is not based on bloodline and ethnic continuity, this country is not based on birthright, this country is not based on the privilege that so many bicker about around the globe.

This country is based on ideals and values.

This country is based on an idea.

This country is based on a belief.

In the end, an idea and a belief is stronger than blood ties. An idea and a belief is stronger than simply occupying space for a long time. An idea and a belief becomes the soul of a society. An idea and belief becomes a society's identity. An idea and belief becomes alive in the hearts and minds of those people that live it...because it lives in them. An idea and a belief becomes something worth dieing for...worth protecting...at all costs...

This is what the terrorists around the world do not understand...because what they are fighting against when fighting against us...we the people of this great nation...is not just military might, money, or power. They are fighting against the very ideas and beliefs that we the people uphold. The ideas and beliefs that we live, day to day. The ideas and beliefs that this great nation was actually founded on. We are here because we CHOOSE to be here. Not simply because we were born here.

We are powerful and great not because of our might...or our military...but because of what we believe...and hold to be true....as...we the people. The terrorists around the world are actually fighting against themselves when they fight us. Fighting themselves because they struggle through the same things as we do and want many of the same things as we do...better lives for themselves and their families, freedoms, a voice...and because they are fighting against themselves...they will never get what they want...they can never win...a house divided against itself will fall...just as the Bible says...all the terrorists can do is harm...but it will not get them what they really want. They and their families will not be better off until we start to heal instead of harm each other. Hatred will only lead to more hatred, violence to more violence, bloodshed to more bloodshed. They will never get what they want. To live their lives peacefully and love their families.

If they were to look at who we are...not simply what they think we represent...they would see the forged strength of our ideas and belief...that every human being has a right to freedom...has a right to speak their belief...has a right to believe whatever they want...has a right to exist...has a right to worship...has a right to live...in whatever way they CHOOSE...as long as they are not hurting others in their doing so...

Those that fight against us...us meaning and defined as...we the people....of this great land and nation...not just our government...or our industry...because frankly both of those entities have made harmful mistakes and choices around the world that would leave someone whom has been harmed by them distrustful and hurt...and therefore angry and resentful...but those that fight against our way of life...they will not be able to break us...to break our will or spirit...

The reason they will not be able to break us...is because of the idea...the belief...that we are free...free from tyranny and oppression...free from someone telling us how to think and what to believe...a belief that freedom should be a right to every human being...everywhere...that freedom is too important to each American...we let the genie out of the bottle folks...and once it's out...there just ain't no getting him back in.

We do not have to bow down and cower...we do not have to close our mouths or our minds...even when some in our own society call for others to do exactly that...what we have created is just too important...too vital...too significant. We must protect our freedoms here at home...and we must help others around the world to discover what we have found out...and we can never go back...

The price for protectionism is too high if it includes the human rights and freedoms that many in this great nation now take for granted. I cannot imagine living under oppressive conditions because a government or a religion commands that I do. Even the conformity that I live in here sometimes feels oppressive. Having to conform to an employers desires and treatment can emotionally have that taint of oppression...but this is America!...if I truly don't like it...I can leave and start elsewhere or start my own business...or go live under a bridge...I have freedom to CHOOSE...something different.

We the people...have the option...to CHOOSE...how we want to live...how we want to love...how we want to make a living...who we want to be...and even today...in many areas of the world...many countries around the globe...still do not offer their people a simple choice...all any American really has to do to see how great this country is...is travel to other countries...see things for yourselves...the oppression is out there folks...the differences are there....even in this day, time, and era.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

May God bless us one and all.

A good idea...I hope.

So...I gotta tell ya...I am having a good time writing these days...and it has been inspiring. Heather (my lovely wife) told me I should write a book, and although the idea is not a new one...her directive to me was, because it was more urgent and in some ways as if she were in part challenging me...and in part telling me that she would help me if I wanted to really accomplish this as well as market it...a directive that felt to me it was with some teeth and opportunity.

So I sat down and came up with a little over 40 subjects that I am interested in writing about. Some semblance of a plan I guess you could say. I let Heather know I had accomplished this first step and she was supportive. I sent her the list and...well...she never really read it above a quick skip through it...but she was supportive...and I was still inspired so...as a next step I made a choice about which of the 40+ subjects I would start writing about...and then I started writing. I wrote almost four pages on that first subject and felt pretty good about it.

It is still a little rough when I read it back now...but it is good and overall I like what I wrote. I will be doing a rewrite of it before I feel it is finalized. I sent that to Heather as well but frankly she has been so busy with photo projects and Moomp Photography business that she hasn't been able to read it. I am OK with that because I know she is still supporting me...and I want to support her in our business.

I felt so good about that first writing that I decided to keep the momentum going...and I picked a second subject on my list. I wrote on that subject as well. This time I got almost through a fifth page. The second subject read even better than the first to me and I am sure I will need to rewrite some of it as well...I have already edited it somewhat and rewritten pieces of it...and I am happy with it's direction. I again told Heather about it but things are the way they are currently with our time and again I understand.

I wanted to keep going and so I again went to my list. I am still interested in everything on it...but nothing jumped out at me this time so I asked myself...what do I want to say right now? I picked a subject not on my list so I added the subject to my list and started to write. I wrote again...almost four pages...and again I was happy with the outcome.

I don't know that any of my subjects are finished yet and I don't have a completed idea of exactly what I am doing with it or specifically where I am going with it but I know that so far...there is a common thread and theme which means that up to this point there is some cohesion.

I am writing a book!

I guess the "subjects" I am writing now could be considered chapters...and frankly I understand that I am going about this in a backwards way...because I am writing chapters before I even have a planned out direction or theme...but I am motivated and feeling good about the work right now. I think that with some of the subjects I chose on my list...and the direction I have in my professional and personal life...I guess I could say I am writing some sort of a self-help book. Pretty closely related to the things I have blogged about.

So for those two of you that like to check in from time to time on my ramblings in this here blog...I will invite you to introduce the idea of reading me in a somewhat different light. In other words...if you like what is written in this blog...maybe you will follow me into a book...where I will ramble on...the way I do...dot dot dot :)

What do you say? Anyone interested?

I just gotta know ;)

Warning...possible vapidity up ahead \;')E)

This is in answer to the comment left on my last post.

Two things.

One:
What's wrong with think is, think is how anxiety is created. Think is how depression is created. Think is how we lose focus on those things that are most important to us. Think leads to over-think and over-think leads to problems...and at times major problems.

This is not to say one should not think...I am not saying that...suffice it to say that thinking is also...as with everything in life...something that one can do too much of and over-thinking can become problematic. Also, as I said in the last blog, thinking overwhelms the space inside us.

Picture...the night sky on a clear night...and of the vastness of that space...but we do not really see that space because we are busy looking at the stars...however because of our infinitely limited perception...we do not perceive the vastness of the space in between them. Because we are somewhat intelligent...we have been successful at creating neat little tricks through gadgets we've invented, to get a glimpse at how the universe might work in reality...but to the naked eye...we do not perceive the vastness of space...we see the foreground which is all the stars that we can actually see.

The same can be said for our lives and our ways of being. There is infinite vastness in space within us, space containing our peace, solitude, and serenity. But to get to that place and perceive the space, we need to shut the hell up.

So...instead of trying to critique the idea...because this is more than an idea...it is our reality...why not try to "DO" what I am describing? Find your space. Sit for 2:00 minutes....heck...try 30 seconds...and not...think. Make yourself....quiet. On the inside.

Unless you have a long vast experience with meditation and mindfulness training...chances are you will not be able to do this. Not without a lot of practice.

Two:
Personal growth is about forward movement. A lack of forward movement equals personal stagnation, therefore personal growth or forward movement is the antithesis of stagnation.

I don't know about anyone else...but I do not want to be stagnant. Being stagnant to me equals being closed, closed minded, and inflexible. As anyone would know from my profile...I like yoga...which means I like to be bendy...thus I do not want or like to be inflexible. This would mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, as well as mentally. Closed mind=closed heart=closed life=no life. Not for me...as for myself...I will choose pushing forward and learning...which all in all...is what personal growth is all about.

Ramblings...

Enter stage right...

I've been waiting for you...

What's the rush?

We have business to discuss...

What's the point? It's not like we're really going anywhere...

It's not about the where...it's about how we travel.

Worlds go by and time travels in still images in our memories but if we are not mindful...mindful of the moment we are in...continuously...then we loose the most important lesson we can internalize...

Mindfulness is difficult at best, especially if a person is fully integrated into their mind...or their "ego" according to Eckhart Tolle, and realistically...who isn't? Shutting the world out is much easier than turning off one's thinking. But if one is to find balance, peace, serenity, and as Tolle puts it...space...then we have to be able to turn off that incessant thinking. It's always something. Always...something.

There are a lot of theories and opinions like most things. But what I ponder on...what I really wonder about...is the depth of my self and that "space" in an ever and ongoing search for personal learning and growth. How finite is that space and how vast it is...is a big question...because when I get glimpses of it, I find it an eye opening and exciting experience, but also a bit frightening. Maybe I just haven't accepted a premise yet but I feel very much like I stand on a threshold looking over something larger than an ocean, and it makes me feel excited and uneasy.

As I lay in bed this morning my mind was racing and it wasn't even light yet...maybe 4:30 AM...and it is Saturday morning...I told myself I don't want to think about that...I don't want to think about that either...give me space...just remember...space...and I could get it for a second or two and another thought would muck it up...and I would either be back thinking about something else or fighting the urge to think about something and searching for space and peace again. I eventually fell back to sleep and I dreamt but I awoke to the same fight...several issues...same problem...stress.

I know that the more I stress...the more I harm myself. I know that I have habits that could and should be bettered. I know that without staying mindful about what I am thinking, what I eat, what I am doing to "do" in my life, what I am planning for, working for, hoping for, and what I am expecting, I will do more to harm myself than help myself.

Mindful about health, mindful about wealth, mindful about how I feel, mindful about my relationships, and mindful about what my focus is on.

When you lose your focus...you have a problem. When you are not mindful...you do not have peace.

Newness...

Sometimes...I don't know about you...but I get restless and I am unsure of where it comes from. I get this feeling deep down in my gut....deep down in my heart & soul...that is stirring and speaking to me...pushing me to move on to somewhere else...and most of the time...I am not sure where this "else" is...I just know that I get this feeling of wanting something new...new to work on and get excited about...new to me...new to my sense of creativity...new to my heart....new to my body and mind...just...new.

Newness...it describes something as fresh...out of our understanding and experience...difference...not the same old routine...a pivot...like when we get a new car...or a new home...a new place to live...a new job...a new relationship...a new child to raise....a new hobby...a new friend...a new lease on life...travel to a new place...a new discovery...a new lesson learned...the joy from this...there's nothing like it.

I am always on the lookout for something new to me...something I don't "know" but want to learn...but it occurs to me that there are ways of being that are foreign to me. Ways in the world I do not relate to.

For example...I do not know what it is like to not have a problem with my weight. Some folks have never been heavy so they can't relate to how a person gets 100 + lbs overweight. I don't get how they can maintain a healthy "normal" weight. I first gained extra weight at age 8 yrs. I have tried...I have lost a lot of weight at one time...I have made changes...and still...here I am...and I am sick about it...both emotionally and physically...literally...hell of a price to pay...for hiding from my pain.

Another example would be money. I grew up middle income...as an adult I have been poor, raising 3 kids, barely scraping by with bare cupboards, getting evicted and literally put out on a curb with my kids in tow by a sheriff...and have also been various levels of middle income...but have not been able to breach that ceiling. I work like a slave, I try to learn and educate myself on financial matters and be financially literate...but I just don't ever seem to pull away from where I am stuck at...much like my weight...maybe even for the same reason...I don't know...

I work for other people...the safety and security of having a position that is dependable where I have some challenge but a lot of structure...which I constantly battle against and conform to all at the same time...where my time is not mine...my time belongs to someone else...an illusion...yes I know...but all the same for all intents and purposes...it is a truth during those hours...for a paycheck...for retirement...for insurance...for the safety of my family and myself...for what? Am I not capable of anything else....anything more...to grow my own...something?

New...newness...I guess it also represents freedom doesn't it? A feeling of freedom at least. I mean I understand that it isn't really being free...but it does have a representation of freedom...again...an illusion....but at least a sense of it...

Freedom from what exactly? Freedom from my way of being in the world? Freedom from the life I have always known and lived? Freedom from repetitive mistakes that create drives and needs of which I have outgrown? Or is it simply freedom from habits? Old ways of being that I now recognize as unhealthy and wasteful? Ways of being that are making me sick and pushing me towards living something new...living something different...living...truly...living.

New...different...change...

Change comes hard to me. It isn't that I don't like it because I like....new. I like going into uncharted waters and exploring to learn and grow. I get off on that.

But I like the familiar too...and it is comfortable...reassuring...safe..secure...home...no fear...no challenge either..but no fear...

Hmm...maybe fear is the real issue...doing something that scares you...breaking down the fears and walls...because I do LOVE "that" feeling. Striking fear in the heart of fear. Is that the same thing as doing something that scares you to death? Maybe...maybe...

All I feel like I know...is that my personal challenge...is to become a better me...and I don't know if there is anything more to life than that...

Questions in the meantime...

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and were surprised by who was staring back at you?

When was the first time you realised you had some "thing" that others admired?

Who was the first person you realised was not who you thought they were...and you were glad?

What was the last situation...that you truly told someone what you thought...because it was the right thing to do...and not the convenient thing to do?

When were you first wounded by someone you trusted...and what music do you relate to that experience?

Somehow...it has been on my mind that the experiences we find painful are also attached to music from our lives...and that music is sometimes a way for us to retrace the experience and the pain...in a bittersweet, nostalgic, painful reminder of where we were when __________ happened.

If questions were expectations and answers were invitations then we could expect to be invited to opportunities that were beyond our limited understanding and look forward to our growth.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all were focused on our own personal growth and forward motion.

The good news is some of us are and there are others that can be related to. The hard part is distinguishing those in search of their own growth from those that play at it but aren't really interested in being more than they are.

Sometimes that is time consuming and discouraging because one invests time into relationships just to find that the person isn't who they presented themselves to be.

Ahh but if it weren't for these experiences what would we learn from and how would we know?

So our experience is our teacher and our time is it's limit of success.
Tiz...

Do questions answer or do they teach? Do answers invite or do they reproach? Do invitations entice or do they lend themselves to opportunities?

For each of us we will have different answers to these questions...but it is most intriguing as to where it will take you...

Once in awhile...

Once in awhile...

I see something in my life that makes me just stop...and appreciate what I have...and what it means to me.

Once in awhile...I am impressed...with someone that crosses my attention span...that speaks to me in a way that stays with me.

Once in awhile...I hear the music playing...without even having to listen...and it takes my breath away because I know...I know...it is from God.

Once in awhile...I catch the light in my wife's eyes...and see how she glows from the inside with a beauty that I can not even imagine.

Once in awhile...I can create the art that is actually in my heart...and when I can...I hear thunder and I see past the light.

Once in awhile...I am briefly aware and in a moment...totally...completely...submerged and overwhelmingly present...so that I can see...the beauty that truly is...and I am exposed to.

Once in awhile...I shut up long enough to hear the small still voice inside my heart...where I hear God speak to my spirit...and love me.

Once in awhile...I look at my children...and I love them with my sight, with my attention...with my mind...with my heart and spirit...with my voice...and with my life.

Once in awhile...I search who I am to find that I can never be who I want to be...but I always return...to who God made me to be.

Once in awhile...I hear meaning...and wisdom...and once in awhile I am humble enough to recognize it...accept it...and let it ring in me.

Once in awhile...I remember how fragile my life is...and I remember how close to the edge I stand daily...and I hope...and I pray.

Once in awhile...I get to love and be loved...and I appreciate each moment...and remember what my life is about...and I fight to be healthy.

Once in awhile I blog...and write...and create...and cringe...because I never really believe I deserve the things I've been given.

Once in awhile I see a sunset that takes my breath away...because I know my dad is up there...painting those sky's for God...and welcoming me back home.

Once in awhile I hear truth...and it rings in my heart like a bell...and I feel the hair on my flesh raise...because I know God has just sent me a message.

Once in awhile...I feel...and I feel colors...and I feel thoughts...and I feel freedom...and I feel trapped...and I feel stupid...and I feel humble...and I feel...which allows me...to be...healthy.

Once in awhile...I find it hard to fight...and I find my weakness...which angers me...and I don't like what that creates in me.

Once in awhile...I get gas...terrible gas...painful gas...and it has to be passed...which makes me...ultimately....very human.

Once in awhile...I remember how much I love to laugh...how much laughter brings joy to my life...and how much I can relate to other human beings by finding the funny.

Once in awhile...I find myself.

Once in awhile...I am.